Finding a Spirituality
"Our hearts are restless until they rest in you."
-St. Augustine
"Happiness does not exist outside the Catholic faith."
-Anonymous
I almost said, "quarantine has made me restless," but had to phrase it more honestly: "I have been restless during quarantine."
There are moments when I am happy. Usually I'm lost in the moment and appreciate whatever is going on around me. But other times, I can't get there. I try to find a path to happiness, and maybe my chemistry is imbalanced, or my anxiety is too high; but I lose my creative approach to inner freedom. My synapses stay separated like the index fingers between God and Adam.
I have heard from close friends that the only path to consistent happiness is Catholicism, which used to be my focal point of return in tough times. I would be miserable and remember that Jesus loved me no matter what, that he died for me. I would sit in front of the Eucharist and encounter that love. No other spirituality has comforted me that way since.
But now I don't believe the Bible is a historical work. I don't want to believe that either, because then life is a game of trying to do the right thing to make it to heaven. I also don't want to go back because I could not be myself as a Catholic. To sum it up, the spiritual aspects of Catholicism that connected me to the transcendent were meaningful to me, but the rules were not. Some cringe at hearing "spiritual but not religious", but it's who I am.
I spoke to a priest the other day about my quandaries, and he was honest in a way I appreciated: "Spencer," he said, "if you have problems with Church teaching on certain issues, you have problems with the Church as a whole."
As I develop my spirituality, I'm considering what works best for me now. The factors I'm considering are theme, ritual, and practice. Those elements seem to make up every Religion. Take Catholicism. The overarching theme is that humans suffer from original sin, and only through Christ is one saved from hell; rituals are celebrating the sacraments; practice is in loving ones neighbor.
Buddhism checks all my boxes regarding theme, ritual, and practice. The overarching theme is that life is suffering. It's an idea of "original sin" devoid of the mystical. It's relatable. There is no supreme deity in this religion, which I also like, since there is no real proof of God's existence that has convinced me. Ritual entails going to Buddhist temples, but it's not a mortal sin to miss a service. I have only attended one service so far. It was longer than Catholic services, and I didn't enjoy the chanting; but I loved when we got in a circle and started talking about life and how Buddhist teachings can make life better. It reminded me of the small group discussions I would organize as a Catholic youth minister. Practice of Buddhism entails daily meditation. Buddhist meditation is about awareness and allowing ones breath and ones thoughts. I like it because I'm not used to being lazy and experiencing every detail in my mind and body. Through meditation I come to understand why I'm suffering and sometimes just understanding gives me a path forward.
I haven't gotten behind the Buddhist ideas of karma and reincarnation. Hell, I don't even believe that the Buddha necessarily existed. But Buddhists do not want you to believe anything in their religion that you don't jive with. This is a fundamental difference between Catholicism and Buddhism. Catholicism says it is the "one true religion", whereas Buddhism lets it's followers pick and choose what they like from their system to incorporate into their own lives. Catholics make fun of "cafeteria Catholics" (Chreaster = Catholic joke about those who only attend Church on Christmas and Easter) while Buddhists embrace partial followers.
Catholicism is like an oak tree. It's strong and buttressed by centuries of rules and traditions. Buddhism is like a gentle flower that bends in the wind. It's vulnerable and exposed to the raw nature of reality, both the pleasant and the unpleasant.
I know that no matter what spirituality I embrace, I will always suffer, and life will always be uncertain. There is no perfect spirituality. But I think spirituality will help me embrace the life and suffering we all experience. It has in the past. I also think it will help me become a friend of my insecurities and negative emotions. One day I might even be comfortable with life's dissatisfying nature.
Let me rephrase St. Augustine, like a douche, for fun:
"Our hearts are always restless, until they rest in restlessness."
And the happiness quote:
"Happiness is a result of letting go of the pursuit of happiness."
-St. Augustine
"Happiness does not exist outside the Catholic faith."
-Anonymous
I almost said, "quarantine has made me restless," but had to phrase it more honestly: "I have been restless during quarantine."
There are moments when I am happy. Usually I'm lost in the moment and appreciate whatever is going on around me. But other times, I can't get there. I try to find a path to happiness, and maybe my chemistry is imbalanced, or my anxiety is too high; but I lose my creative approach to inner freedom. My synapses stay separated like the index fingers between God and Adam.
I have heard from close friends that the only path to consistent happiness is Catholicism, which used to be my focal point of return in tough times. I would be miserable and remember that Jesus loved me no matter what, that he died for me. I would sit in front of the Eucharist and encounter that love. No other spirituality has comforted me that way since.
But now I don't believe the Bible is a historical work. I don't want to believe that either, because then life is a game of trying to do the right thing to make it to heaven. I also don't want to go back because I could not be myself as a Catholic. To sum it up, the spiritual aspects of Catholicism that connected me to the transcendent were meaningful to me, but the rules were not. Some cringe at hearing "spiritual but not religious", but it's who I am.
I spoke to a priest the other day about my quandaries, and he was honest in a way I appreciated: "Spencer," he said, "if you have problems with Church teaching on certain issues, you have problems with the Church as a whole."
As I develop my spirituality, I'm considering what works best for me now. The factors I'm considering are theme, ritual, and practice. Those elements seem to make up every Religion. Take Catholicism. The overarching theme is that humans suffer from original sin, and only through Christ is one saved from hell; rituals are celebrating the sacraments; practice is in loving ones neighbor.
Buddhism checks all my boxes regarding theme, ritual, and practice. The overarching theme is that life is suffering. It's an idea of "original sin" devoid of the mystical. It's relatable. There is no supreme deity in this religion, which I also like, since there is no real proof of God's existence that has convinced me. Ritual entails going to Buddhist temples, but it's not a mortal sin to miss a service. I have only attended one service so far. It was longer than Catholic services, and I didn't enjoy the chanting; but I loved when we got in a circle and started talking about life and how Buddhist teachings can make life better. It reminded me of the small group discussions I would organize as a Catholic youth minister. Practice of Buddhism entails daily meditation. Buddhist meditation is about awareness and allowing ones breath and ones thoughts. I like it because I'm not used to being lazy and experiencing every detail in my mind and body. Through meditation I come to understand why I'm suffering and sometimes just understanding gives me a path forward.
I haven't gotten behind the Buddhist ideas of karma and reincarnation. Hell, I don't even believe that the Buddha necessarily existed. But Buddhists do not want you to believe anything in their religion that you don't jive with. This is a fundamental difference between Catholicism and Buddhism. Catholicism says it is the "one true religion", whereas Buddhism lets it's followers pick and choose what they like from their system to incorporate into their own lives. Catholics make fun of "cafeteria Catholics" (Chreaster = Catholic joke about those who only attend Church on Christmas and Easter) while Buddhists embrace partial followers.
Catholicism is like an oak tree. It's strong and buttressed by centuries of rules and traditions. Buddhism is like a gentle flower that bends in the wind. It's vulnerable and exposed to the raw nature of reality, both the pleasant and the unpleasant.
I know that no matter what spirituality I embrace, I will always suffer, and life will always be uncertain. There is no perfect spirituality. But I think spirituality will help me embrace the life and suffering we all experience. It has in the past. I also think it will help me become a friend of my insecurities and negative emotions. One day I might even be comfortable with life's dissatisfying nature.
Let me rephrase St. Augustine, like a douche, for fun:
"Our hearts are always restless, until they rest in restlessness."
And the happiness quote:
"Happiness is a result of letting go of the pursuit of happiness."
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