Dissatisfaction

Life is inherently dissatisfying. Dissatisfaction seems to arise from the expectation that one day life will be satisfying. That we will one day have answers to those deep existential questions: where did we come from, what is the meaning of life, and so on. 

But all of these questions as of right now are unanswered. We see religion claim it knows that we were created by a God or that we are here to love others; but that still begs further questions. Where did God come from? Why did God choose to create life? So even claims of religion end up just as dissatisfying as claims of science in the sense that they don't bring us any closer to complete certainty about anything.

Uncertainty seems to just be. For everyone. And to be honest, I don't know if there will ever be a "way out". That's kind of saddening. We are these creatures orbiting the sun in a seemingly infinite universe of randomness and happenstance. And all of us are different, with different needs and desires and dreams. And very few us of live up to our own expectations, and our relations don't seem to live up to our expectations either. And this dissatisfaction and uncertainty can weigh heavy. 

Meditation, exercise, religion, psychology, philosophy, studies, yoga, veganism, politics, science etc. all seem to be ways of coping with this situation we find ourselves in. We reach for these bulwarks we have made that give us a sense of going in a direction, of finding something to hold onto. And even the PhD's and saints find that the more they learn, the less they know. My boss referred to my stage as a sales rep as the "disillusioned learner"; and I couldn't help chuckle because that's actually just my normal state of existence. There's so much happening at every given moment, and there's a desire to just slow it all down, control it, and have a purpose for it all.

It's no wonder that we get addicted to things. That's a normal reaction to being in a meaningless void. We think that if we can just avoid reality, we can be happy. I notice that anxiety creeps up when we come face to face with how little control we have over a situation. I was driving home in the rain today and it was beating down hard. I could barely see the road, and fear gripped every part of me. In life I don't know how much longer I will be alive, if I will get resolution with myself, family and friends about things. I don't know if I'll visit all the places I'm dying to see or have kids of my own or a meaningful relationship. They're just so many unknowns, and I have so little control over the outcomes. 

My brother pointed out an amazing line from the movie, Seeking a Friend for the End of the World. Steve Carell plays this guy, Dodge, who is with his wife when he hears that an asteroid is about to hit earth and wipe out everyone. His wife immediately leaves him for another man and everything devolves into chaos. Dodge himself falls into a deep depression until he meets Penny, played by Keira Knightley. The two of them slowly fall in love with each other and are laying side by side as the asteroid is about to hit earth. Cliché, but fuck it's got a good final script:

Penny: "I wish I'd met you a long time ago. When we were kids."

Dodge: "It couldn't have happened any other way. It had to happen now."

Penny: "But it isn't enough time."

Dodge: "It never would have been."

There is a sort of comfort in this meaninglessness. We are empowered to be decision-makers. We get to choose what we believe based on what whispers to us within. We get to choose to pursue romance, book-reading, basket weaving, javelin-throwing, etc. Whatever you want to try, believe, be, and do is yours and yours alone. This bitter confusion and sadness and emptiness will be there, but we can always go back to choosing something that gives us a sense of meaning. We can always return to whatever it is that centers us. We are free. Be at peace, princes and princesses, with who you are deep down; and express that shit.