Unconditional Love

 A conversation with my sister made me feel euphoric. I struggle with Buddhist meditation, but last night's convo was one of those rare moments where everything came together. I felt each breath; I connected with my anxiety. I let my visual field resolve into a cloud of color, light, and energy. I was connected.

I struggle to accept who I am and how I feel. Climbing a mountain? Anxious. Driving? Anxious. Wiping my ass? Anxious. It follows me like the thorn in St. Paul's side. For years I've fought against it, and moments when I embrace it are rare, despite my best efforts. But admitting this problem brings instant relief, like caffeine to a weary body.

Anxiety is hilarious. I feel a deep attraction for another man, and my internal homophobia clocks in at 70 mph trying to divert it: "maybe it's all in my head", "maybe this is OCD", "I like girls too", "I'm not gay". It's illogical to try to squash something that is out of my control, but that doesn't stop me from making the effort. I think I hate this feeling because I feel less of a man. I grew up with the idea of men as fierce providers, strong, virile, straight. I pretend that my Catholic upbringing has no effect on who I am, but the feelings within me tell a different story. 

All I can do is expose myself to what scares me. I now get on tinder and swipe right on men, talk to them, and go on dates with them. It's a step in the right direction, I suppose. I am often out of touch with my uncomfortable feelings, but I'm trying. I'm improving, embracing the discomfort. 

I think I'm learning that manliness is a different kind of bravery. It's vulnerable, able to show weakness, and keeps trekking. Maybe it's about giving fewer excuses and giving more love. It's tender, compassionate, and free. In a sense, manliness is non-existent since I have met women who exhibit manly traits, and men who exhibit traditionally female traits (yes, I've met myself).

We put boundaries on love when we try to suppress our feelings. That's a quote from my sis, not me; and I think she's right. At least, it makes sense to me. When I exhibit aggression towards myself, I exhibit that same aggression towards the world around me. I get jealous of those who accept themselves, and that causes me to hurt people so that they will feel as bad as I do. So in a sense, my self-improvement project becomes more urgent, because despite not giving two shits about myself, I do care deeply for others.

 I think the last thing I will do is try to change my feelings. I am an anxious person. That will not go away no matter how many times I try to smash it out of the park. I think I'll take my anxiety on a walk, talk to it, lay it down and make love to it (gently). My anxiety bothers me, but I think I have no choice but to befriend it if I want to achieve some kind of wellbeing. Perhaps one day I will look at myself and my problems with the same type of love I feel for my friends and family: unconditional.

“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.”

-Some Buddhist quote I found online