Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child

We’ve all heard someone say, “I got spanked as a kid, and I turned out okay (usually accompanied with a cringy smile).” Spanking is defined as, “slapping with one’s open hand or a flat object, especially on the buttocks (great word) as a punishment." 

I think parents who spank their kids run to the defense of spanking in one of two ways:

1. When they're too young to listen to reason, spanking's all that works. 

2. Other forms of discipline are weak compared to spanking. 

The first one is perhaps the most difficult discussion. If a child is too young to listen to reason, spanking will correct negative behavior but also instill fear at a young age. Sure, the child is no longer crying, but only because they’re afraid. Studies have shown that kids who grow up spanked tend towards aggression and see hitting as a way of resolving conflict. Studies have suggested benefits to conditional spanking from ages 2 to 6, where two open-handed swats to the buttocks (couldn't help myself) are administered if other forms of discipline are defied (such as time out). Researchers disagree on this topic to some extent because the studies do not discriminate well enough between conditional/gentle spanking and abusive forms of spanking. 

Let's address the second defense spankers (love this word!) use to defend their behavior: other forms of discipline are less effective. Okay, so your child is old enough to listen to reason (past age 6 or 7), but you're still spanking them because time out, talking through it, grounding, taking something away, etc. are not working well enough.

I have two hypotheses on why parents resort to spanking when their child is old enough to listen to reason. 

1. They were spanked as children. 

I think most parents can tell violent stories of abuse from their parents: use of belts, paddles (even at school), switches (wtf is a switch?!), a ruler to the wrist, chanclas, wooden spoons, etc. I think this leads parents to think that their less abusive open-handed swats (or whatever they're doing) is actually a favor to their own children. They even say, "If you knew how bad I had it growing up, you would be grateful for this spanking." 

The cavemen could make the same argument: "if only these millenials knew what it was to die of diseases of the teeth, or in some banal manner like diarrhea". While this can make us grateful for societal progress, it doesn't invalidate our modern struggles. 

2. Societal & Personal Expectations

Society expects children to behave a certain way by a certain age, so parents feel pressure to do whatever it takes to get their kids to that level. God forbid their child have a pissy-fit-rager in the middle of Church! 

On top of that, parents cannot help but want their child to be like them or better. A line from the Iliad comes to mind: Hector took the helm from his head and laid it all-gleaming upon the ground. But he kissed his dear son, and fondled him in his arms, [475] and spake in prayer to Zeus and the other gods: “Zeus and ye other gods, grant that this my child may likewise prove, even as I, pre-eminent amid the Trojans, and as valiant in might, and that he rule mightily over Ilios. And some day may some man say of him as he cometh back from war, ‘He is better far than his father’." 

God forbid Hector's son end up gay and interested in the lyre.

I believe that parents who spank because of personal/societal expectations past the age of reason are a sinister group. Spankings are painful, humiliating. They are the polar opposite of reason which is empowering. As a child develops, they are unable, at first, to think for themselves. Spankings, while not desirable, are at least forgivable while the child cannot think. Past the age of reason, spankings deliver a different message: "do not think for yourself; conform." In fact it goes a step further, "you should be ashamed of yourself." Indeed, these words often accompany a spanking. 

Imaginary guilt, where a child feels guilty for behavior outside of their parent's values, is bad enough; but at least he only feels bad for what he did. Throw shame into the mix, and now the child feels bad for who he is. And shame is not so easily thrown away, tossed off. It sticks with you, like a hump on a camel's back. We can change our behavior, but we cannot change who we are; and if who we are is regrettable, what's the use in trying to improve? 

You can see where this leads, right? A child feeling shame will make no effort to change, because he fucking can't. He is who he is: worthless, bad. So why not punch someone? Why not gossip? Why not steal, murder, commit adultery, and break the rest of the Ten Commandments? He has nothing to lose. I often hear the phrase, "I'm going to hell anyways" (usually said in a joking tone with an undercurrent of sadness), and wonder if that comment stems from shame. 

The solution to the problem of getting children to behave is not easy. For children to move from shame, to imaginary guilt, to legitimate guilt, they have to develop their own values against which to judge their behavior. Shame is always bad, but guilt is variable depending on why the child feels guilty. 

If the child feels imaginary guilt for behaving outside of society's values or their parent's values or their friend's values, the guilt will not be long lasting. As soon as they can skirt society's rules, move away from their parents, or find new friends, their true under-developed selves will shine. If the only reason they haven't said the N word is because their black friends were around, I guarantee you the child will say it around a different friend group with different values.

I will do some research and develop my next post around how to help children develop legitimate guilt, since I only wanted to discuss spankings and its effects in this post. 

To wrap this shit up, parents would do well to feel some anxiety around having children. If we want happy, ethical citizens, we have to help our children think for themselves. Many treat parenting lazily and wonder why their kids end up the way they do when they "taught them so well growing up". Karen, maybe sit back and ask why you feel the tendency to violence. Maybe you were spanked and never admitted its effects on you. Maybe you're still just trying to meet society's and your parent's expectations. Maybe, just maybe, you could be the one to stop the chain of abuse and break these shackles that say, "you are not enough."