Unconditional Love
A conversation with my sister made me feel euphoric. I struggle with Buddhist meditation, but last night's convo was one of those rare moments where everything came together. I felt each breath; I connected with my anxiety. I let my visual field resolve into a cloud of color, light, and energy. I was connected. I struggle to accept who I am and how I feel. Climbing a mountain? Anxious. Driving? Anxious. Wiping my ass? Anxious. It follows me like the thorn in St. Paul's side. For years I've fought against it, and moments when I embrace it are rare, despite my best efforts. But admitting this problem brings instant relief, like caffeine to a weary body. Anxiety is hilarious. I feel a deep attraction for another man, and my internal homophobia clocks in at 70 mph trying to divert it: "maybe it's all in my head", "maybe this is OCD", "I like girls too", "I'm not gay". It's illogical to try to squash something that is out of m...