A Spiritual Search

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I spent last Sunday Church hunting. I used to despise folks who did that growing up. Catholicism is the truth, and its truth is within any Catholic Church, so why shop around? I thought. I now see that no spirituality or philosophy is perfect, and deciding which communities to be a part of takes some searching, much like dating. 

I'm quite done with Catholicism (see many previous posts, lol), so I tried a Unitarian Zoom chat. It was gloomy. An older woman, I believe a Reverend, was talking slowly about the role God plays in life. I did not stay in the chat long. She spoke with the same level of condescension that I grew up with, and it was less than ideal. 

I tried another Unitarian chat. It was 11:15am on Sunday. It was a Zoom chat for a Church near Galveston bay, and it showed. Thick country accents and a hodgepodge of Reverends speaking over each other was very unappealing. They were praying for their parishioners and talking about how good God is. I left that chat as quickly as I could.

I ended up spending the rest of it on a Buddhist Zoom chat. It was mostly silence, with the meditation director giving little tips here and there for how to focus on breathing. I enjoyed it. I like to meditate, but I also feel like I want something more. I want a community of folks like me, who wish to discuss spirituality and the struggle of life. I'll probably keep looking and, as a friend suggested, try finding some social groups near me with this same mindset. Covid does hamper my search a bit.

It's funny that I miss the Unitarian Church in Bartlesville, Oklahoma of all places. I remember walking in and letting the group know that I felt agnostic about God but wanted a deeper spiritual life. I sought affirmation and asked, "Is this normal?" I remember someone kindly replied, "Yes, that's why all of us are here." 

A part of me despises the fact that I'm in need of something to keep me from despair. Without focus on the breath, a penchant for serving others, or some reason to exist, I can't be happy. I realize that I wish I was some completely self-sufficient guy, able to be happy with no external help. But that's a subtle form of pride. Wanting to hold myself to some higher standard than others is vanity. 

It's also silly because I don't think this way about anything else. I don't believe I can gain muscles without the help of weights or a gym membership. I don't think I can stay hydrated without drinking water. But for some reason I think I can maintain a positive mental state without any assistance.

I don't need a religion to be happy. As a friend said, "We are rational animals and can decide for ourselves how to live our lives." Building some routine to grow in my spiritual life feels like the right move for me personally. I know many happy people who never attend Church or anything, and I am not using this post as a way to push this on anyone. You do you, boo.

Houston is a big city, and I have every confidence I will find some imperfect community of like minded individuals. It reminds me of my time hanging out with my friends after a hunting trip last night. We were all sitting in a friend's house, drinking beers, mostly quiet since we were all a bit tired. I'm rather bored, I remember thinking. And I'm happy feeling bored with my friends.

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