Feeling a Little Better :)

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This weekend will be a good one. I'm touring new apartments in the Midtown/Heights/Montrose Houston area all day tomorrow, shopping 'til I drop on Saturday, and brunching hard on Sunday. I'm happy. For the first time in a long time I woke up at 5am this morning with a smile. I smiled at my dog, and he snorted back at me. 

I've taken some actions that I think have been life-changing. I get on my phone only for communication with others. I've cancelled my gym membership and workout by myself outside with a focus on cardio. I can't say I'm eating healthier, but I'm connecting with my body and trying to only eat when I feel like it. I'm trying to perceive my body/weight with compassion and love rather than disgust. I'm taking time each day for quiet and meditation, and I'm being more social. I'm also more focused on my dreams and that keeps me less concerned about inconsequential bullshit. 

I realize that feeling this good right now will end. I will achieve my dreams, plateau, and then want to move on to something new. That's the state of being human: change. At any time, my mood will drop, and I'm terribly afraid I'll revert back to a depressed state; but at least I have some tools at my disposal to help me embrace it and comfort myself.

Remembering that good feelings pass is scary. I know how bad bad feelings can be. I know how much depression can distort my reality and make me depend on others too much; and I know I will inhabit that space again. I'm only human. But I hope I take the actions that I know will help me. I hope I remain vulnerable and lean on others for the support I need without zapping their energy. I appreciate all those in my life who have helped me get to where I am now. You know who you are.

Little plug: I'd highly recommend Dr. Nicole LePera's book How to Do the Work for anyone trying to climb out of similar problems I've had.

Nothing in life is perfect. We are all cosmic dust and think we are more significant than we really are. And that's beautiful. It's beautiful that life doesn't matter, that we get to decide our own fates and work towards our own goals. It's great to just exist, try new foods, encounter new friends, embrace new states of mind, and go cloud-watching. Life is experience, and whether bad or good, only we get to experience it. Just us. Or maybe it's a simulation run by a god or aliens. Who knows, who cares. Let's make the most of what we've got.

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