Appearance v. Reality

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"Just breathe through this," said Adrienne in her sweet, sweet YouTube-Yoga voice as I struggled to maintain the downward dog pose, focus on my ragged breath, and ignore my dog's breath smacking my entire face with a stenchy heat. 

Some people just make life look easy. My understanding is that this is merely an appearance, but it's quite convincing. They just make decisions with their lives, breathe through Yoga poses, and consistently become better people. Meanwhile I feel like I struggle just to get up in the morning and get to work. 

I like to imagine what it would be like if all of us expressed ourselves with complete vulnerability at all times. I imagine it would be scary to hear all the pent up rage people feel towards me that they've held back over time. I imagine it would be as scary as it would be refreshing. Ah, that's why he acted that way around me, I might think. 

If I asked someone in the hall, "How are you," and they replied, "Terrible," I might feel like I could relate to at least one person in my office. The whole, "I'm good and you" response is so old. 

I think that's why gossip is so popular and enticing. We get to hear the real feelings other people have. Masks are off. Nothing makes me happier than hearing the latest tea, or word on the street. I notice I lean in if I'm sitting and my attention becomes honed in like a bat's sonar. 

"Do you want to hear a ____ (person's name in blank) story?"

OMFG DO I WANT TO HEAR THAT STORY

I especially like a story about someone who treated the storyteller badly. I like saying at the end, "wow I can't believe that person treated you that way," and consoling them, making them feel heard. Sometimes I stop listening part way through because I think of a similar story of how someone treated me badly or perhaps worse. The tendency to want to one-up someone's sob story is strong sometimes, and I usually resist these days. No one likes a one-upper. 

Gossip/venting keeps us sane because it's a healthier strategy (usually) than violence to release the rage we feel towards our wrongdoers. Maybe one day we will all feel a little more normal expressing those feelings in the moment to the actual offenders. But I suppose it could take society a while to reach that level of vulnerability. 

Perhaps that's why friendships and relationships are harder than they need to be. We're trained in our professional/public lives to keep our feelings to ourselves. Then, in friendships and relationships, all of a sudden the expectation is that we bare our souls to one another. Then whenever we hold back, it's a whole "you're not a real friend" moment. 

We're all so hard on each other. And even that's understandable considering the myriad of wild expectations society sets for us. Pretty much society says that if you don't have your life together by 20 as a self-made billionaire you've failed at life. So that's fun.

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