goddammit, spencer.

-
As an atheist/agnostic, I'm sometimes too hardcore about there "likely not being a god". 

My coworker, in earnest, said: "Someone/something must've created all this. Name me one design that doesn't have a designer."

Instead of just shrugging it off, I had to reply: "True. I'm not arguing that things just happened to appear into existence with no cause, but what question have we answered if we posit a creator? Aren't we back to the same question we already have if we have to ask, 'well what created the creator?'"

There was an uncomfortable silence, and another coworker chimed in that everyone should feel free to believe what the believe. And again, I had to jump in with, "true, but I think we are talking about science, not faith right now". More uncomfortable silence. 

It got me thinking, why did I try to sway him to my side? Why couldn't I just hold my tongue, acknowledge that I think differently, and wait until the subject changed? I realize now I did it for two reasons. First, because I miss some of the security I felt from believing in a god. Second, because I don't miss all the rules that come from believing in a god.

Addressing the first reason, I felt an undeniable sense of peace believing I would live forever in the clouds; that good people would get good things and bad people would get what they deserved; that there was a "right" way to live and a "wrong" way to live. When I see other people living intense religious lives, some part of me feels a tug at the ole heartstrings. I miss that sometimes. It felt like home, safety.

Addressing the second reason I got combative, I feel so much more free not believing in a god. I'm able to choose the life I want to live for myself. I'm able to be the man I dream of without worrying what anyone will think. In the end, for me personally, this benefit outweighs the costs of giving up some sense of security. 

So I thought I was doing this guy a favor by trying to get him to think the way I think. 

That was narcissistic of me. Who am I to think that someone's subjective life experience might be better if they thought the same way I do? Maybe that person is best off believing in a god. Maybe that's the space where they find great happiness and peace. Why rain on that parade?

This isn't like Santa Claus where, at some point, it's probably best to stop believing (spoilers). This is god. When it comes to god, truly no one can say one way or another if this dude/dudette exists. Some people even claim to have experiences where they see/hear this person. Am I open to the schizophrenia explanation? Of course. But in the end I have no clue, so why get combative? Who fucking cares!

So that's what I learned today. Don't be a narcissistic asshole, Spencer. Live and let live, you cute queen.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Anxiety & Depression

-
A therapist has diagnosed me with anxiety and depression as “mood disorders”, so my experience of these disorders is not serious enough to warrant medication or mild enough to do nothing. Cognitive behavioral therapy has been the most effective treatment to date, but perhaps talk therapy to unpack my past will be beneficial in the future. When I feel anxious, my neck tenses, and I can feel my heart beat like a drum in my chest. When depressed, there is a perpetual weight behind my eyes, not heavy enough to let me sleep and not light enough to let me find interest in things. When I experience both simultaneously, the opposing forces paralyze me. Some factors are built in my very nature. I see some genetic predispositions for anxiety and depression in myself and my family, and thyroid issues sometimes require medical care. Other factors are environmental. Growing up, there was one way to live out my spirituality, one way to live out my sexuality, and one way to be: Roman Catholic....
Read more

Xuân Hưong

-
Xuân Hưong might just be my new favorite soup spot. I ended up there like most sick people do, needing some hot, spicy soup to dissolve the phlegm. Okay that was gross.  I had two restaurant options. Lem's was right nextdoor and had higher reviews. But it had a chain feel. Bright neon lights out front. Special parking arrangements. And I began to sense that negative reviews for Xuân Hưong might be based on appearance. Xuân Hưong looked unassuming. One of the lights was knocked out. The building looked worn as if it was entirely made of drywall. But it looked homey. I trusted my gut and walked in. I waved at the waitress behind the counter and she grinned but looked down. Good. I like when they show respect but also have a bit of a "IDGAF" attitude. That's when you know the food will be good.  "I'd like to order to-go," I said.  "Menu?" she asked in broken English.  "Yes." I sat down with a spiral bound menu with four simple pages. App...
Read more

Friends with Benefits

-
Well how long will you fuck her? said Jeff.  As long as she'll let me, I guess, I said. I almost said I suppose but knew I'd only be saying that to sound more sophisticated. More in control. I took another sip of Bulleit.  So that's that huh. I detected a hint of judgment and an unspoken request for a redeeming reason. I could've said that we did have chemistry or  who knows where this might go . But that didn't feel honest. Really. So instead I stood up to get the bottle for a refill. He tapped his cigar butt while looking down. Jeff was sophisticated. At least he liked to think so. He did use beard oil. I purposely poured his whiskey too quickly and enjoyed his panicked DUDE.  Truthfully I felt a little bad fucking someone just because they allowed it. She was a placeholder for someone I actually wanted. And fucking her anyway felt. Wrong. But I had made myself clear. I see us just as friends, I'd said. And she'd still agreed to keep fucking me. So maybe w...
Read more