I don't know shit

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There isn't really anything I know. 


..and that's insane to me. I can talk about rocket ships and the moon, math and science, good and evil. But I don't know anything. I believe a lot of things that I learned in school that may turn out to be fake news later (like how we used to believe the earth was flat until one day they were like, "nah fam it's a sphere"). We use tests to confirm gravity is real so that you can be confident that when you take shit, it will fall into the toilet; but some level of faith in the scientific process, what others tell me, and my personal experience that no one else can share, governs my life. 

So since I can't know anything with any certainty, I'm starting to think that choices are all that matters. There are times when I haven't always felt love for people close to me, but I've chosen to stay by their side. Other times I haven't felt like going into work, but I went in anyway. Sometimes customers say rude comments that make my blood boil, but I've chosen to be respectful in return. And these choices I make contrary to my feelings are choices that I feel good about on another level. 

When I was young, I thought I knew how mankind came into existence: God. I knew Jesus loved me no matter what. And what's odd is that I called that "faith". It didn't feel like faith. It felt like knowledge. I knew I was right about these things, and I would become very defensive when atheists disagreed with me. I remember laughing in their faces, basically insinuating that they were idiots for not believing in God. It's interesting that I was so confident talking about God, who no one at any time has been able to prove with any shred of evidence, exists. 

It's clear to me that I could have been a chill Catholic who believed those things while remaining open-minded, free and kind. I do take responsibility for the way I behaved, but the culture and environment I grew up in had a part to play in how I developed as well. I don't regret my past. Without it, I don't think I could appreciate the freedom I feel now. 

I live more by faith now than I ever did as a Catholic. I now make life choices for myself with no clue how things will turn out, and I'm not sure if my core beliefs are true or always good. I don't know if there's an afterlife. I don't know if being kind will result in receiving kindness. I just choose. And I feel so confident (not all the time of course), and I'm not even sure why. Maybe it's because I feel daring and reckless. Some lessons I've picked up on making life choices:

-There is no perfect choice.
-Making choices based on the big picture and long term benefit are more rewarding than decisions I make in the heat of the moment without pausing to reflect.
-Not choosing is still a choice. 
-My best choices come from the heart, in a quiet space (like Elijah), when I completely let go of the opinions of others and decide what's best for me. 
-My criteria for making life choices is making a choice that makes me reasonably happy. 
-When I make a choice that doesn't go the way I wanted, I can learn from it and make a better choice next time. I can choose to remain hopeful and positive in any situation. 
-Choosing calculated risks (leaps of faith) = discovery (both positive and negative). 
-Not everyone will approve of my choices, and that's okay.

I'll end with a quote from a good friend when I told him I'm traveling to Greece soon (but who knows with these flight cancellations, huh):

Make sure to let everything go and have fun man.

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