Changing Unhelpful Perceptions on Appearance

I hear people say, "I want to be unapologetically myself", and I agree with the sentiment. But when my authentic reaction to someone with a deformed face is disgust, I'd prefer to curb that reaction. Or if I can't catch myself before I make a face, I hope I apologize. So I'm in a bit of a conundrum. On the one hand, I want to be unapologetically myself, but on the other, I'm having these knee-jerk reactions of disgust that I do not want to have. 

So in order to be a guilt-free version of "unapologetically myself", I need to change my behavior when I see a deformed face, which means I need to change the way I perceive deformed faces; and in order to change my perception, I need to consider why I react with disgust in the first place. 

Why do I react with disgust?

When I see a deformed face, it's scary. I start thinking "I was one chromosome tweak away from this?", "why does this guy look so weird?", "that looks painful". On top of that, I find it funny; and at my worst, I can make fun of it with my friends (eg, "Look at that weirdo over there").

And let's say (for the sake of argument) that there's no denying that this deformed face is deformed. Whenever people say "I don't see color", I wanna tell them to kindly STFU. Of course you see color. It isn't woke to start denying realities you don't know how to cope with. So let's accept that this face is deformed and see if we can change perception without sacrificing honesty. 

At the root of this unhelpful perception is an unhelpful mantra: what's different is unwelcome. We shun what's different all the time on a societal level. You won't see a deformed face on the cover of a magazine or at the front desk of a business (although I think society is making some small progress here). We also do it on a micro level when we make fun of people who look different and exclude them, ignore them, or make fun of them. At the root of the mantra that "what's different is unwelcome" is an unhelpful assumption: acceptance into the tribe depends upon appearance.

Social banishment is probably one of our biggest fears as the social animals we are (I know it's one of mine). Dying alone is referenced a lot in comedy, drama, and story-telling precisely because it sounds so shitty. We generally like being around people, and the pros of having company seem to outweigh the cons that come with social interaction. 

So to summarize, I feel disgust because a deformed face represents one of my biggest fears: societal banishment.

One sub-point I'd like to make is that I think I make fun of people who are different to make myself feel more a part of the tribe, more welcomed, more connected. 

So how do I change my way of thinking about appearances to mitigate this anxiety?

1. On a practical level, I think that if we shunned people for every little abnormality, none of us would work together to survive. If we're honest with ourselves, we're all a little abnormal. Some of us have 3 nipples (not me, not me at all). Some of us have anxiety, depression, dementia, or RBF. So without a baseline acceptance of others, we would not get very far as a species. Summary: I have abnormalities too.

2. What is a deformed face? It doesn't seem like we have an unchanging definition. In the past, the Neanderthal face was the standard for faces (below).

 

We've also had Homo Sapiens (pre Homo Sapiens Sapiens) faces, and who knows what future evolution of face is on the horizon for humanity. Maybe in the future we will have hexagon-shaped faces. That would be pretty neat. "Is that a Stop Sign or Billy"? So sure, there are faces that look abnormal compared to how faces generally look now, but it seems that the "gold standard" of face is subject to change so why care? Nature sure doesn't. Summary: No absolute definition of a "formed" face exists.

3. And let's look at nature. Think of a forest. There are weird-looking, gnarled trees and gorgeous trees. They're pretty green tree frogs, and toads shaped like pancakes. Look at birds. There are majestic-looking rainbow hummingbirds, and... fucking king vultures. 

Nature does not shun what doesn't look right. What's "different" lives in harmony with what is "normal". It's almost as if normal and abnormal does not exist in nature, because nature doesn't care about appearance. Summary: Nature doesn't exclude deviance.

4. Aristotle introduced the concept of accident v. substance, and I prefer this perspective on appearances. While our substance is immaterial, the thing that is essential and unchanging, accidents are what people actually notice: eye color, face shape, hair line, penis size. I like Aristotle's view on this because it entails that the accidents of a person are merely how we perceive them outwardly. Their inner substance is a neutral thing, neither good nor bad, judgment free. So judging people based on their accidents/appearances is meaningless. I believe the modern terminology is "body neutrality". Summary: Substance>Accident.

5. I think putting myself in others' shoes (as best I can) helps too. If I had a deformed face, would I want people to shun me? Nope. If I had a deformed face, would I want people to pretend my face looks like everyone else's? Nope, but I wouldn't want to be made fun of or pitied either. If I had a deformed face and people started pretending I looked like George Clooney, I would find it insincere and fake. To me, this would be the opposite extreme of making fun of me: treating me like a god/untouchable. It would even have the same effect as making fun of me because it would alienate me from others rather than help me feel welcomed and accepted. I would want honesty and kindness from others. I'd even be okay with some playful jokes about my appearance (I suppose everyone has different boundaries on what's okay or not okay to say, which makes things a bit complicated). Summary: Treat others as you would like to be treated.

Okay, I've changed my perception on deformed faces. What now?

All of this theoretical stuff is great, but can only go so far. In the end, spending time around "different" or "abnormal" people is what changes things. The more I expose myself to people who are different than me, the more comfortable I will get around them and the more I will realize how silly my judgments and assumptions are.