Lowering dat bar and dat ass

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Hi. One of my friends is going back to the ole Catholic faith, and that got me thinking. Do I miss that too? I've been playing more Catholic hymns on guitar lately: I am the Bread of Life, Silent Night, You Satisfy the Hungry Heart, etc. DOES THAT MEAN I'M SECRETLY CATHOLIC IN MY SOUL (side note: tf is a soul?)?

I find it hard to be alone sometimes, and that's when the thought of Jesus is most appealing. I'll be eating chicken in my quiet home with my quiet dog on my quiet sofa—wondering if somewhere out there, I'm missing something. Is there some God-shaped hole in my heart just waiting to be filled? Come fill me, Jesus. 😈

But the truth is, I just miss elements of Catholicism, not the whole thing. And I can have those elements and pick and choose things from it that fit me (love your neighbor, finding quiet time, developing an interior life); and the loneliness is going to be an ongoing project of leaning into it so I can grow and become more comfortable with the anxieties of daily life. 

How do I forget these simple truths?

Ingrained in me is a dichotomous mind. I see things in black and white. I have to be gay or straight, Catholic or Atheist, happy or sad. I don't leave room for nuance. And that's what trips me up. And I don't leave room for nuance because I want to label and know everything. And I want to label and know everything because if I know everything, I can make the perfect/right decisions and live the perfect life. And I want the perfect life because... well... I can't help wanting it? I think I've reached philosophical bedrock. 

Lowering my my bar for happiness is the only solution I can think of for finding happiness (call in if you know another lol). I'm struggling to get more comfortable with the bar of a "good life" being my standard. I naturally want it all. I'd love a throuple to maximize happiness with a man and a woman. I'd love to eat ice cream and never gain weight. I realize I sound very ungrateful right now, and I think that's at the heart of my inner struggle. 

If I practiced more gratitude, I would be more present, looking at what's in front of me. I'd see that the bad things help me grow and that the good things are there to enjoy. I guess that's why they call virtue "virtue". Our natural state as humans is to want everything and to be constantly disappointed. I've even read that our minds create problems if no problems exist. So virtue is an action contrary to our natural state. But if we don't practice virtue, we are in a vicious cycle of wanting.

"Attachment is the root of all suffering" - Buddha

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