An Imperfect god

Popping champagne scares me. I don't have much to say about it, but I thought people should know. 

I believe in an imperfect god (right now). Am I on some road to believing in a perfect god or in Plato's eternal forms? I'm not sure. Maybe this is some slippery slope to MAGA, but I find some comfort talking to a god. I've resisted this for a while because I thought belief in a god would mean I'm weak, but I don't think that's true anymore. We're all weak af, so it's probably not bad to find things that help me function. 

It's weird going back to god. He and I have a fucked up past. The god who gave me a list of rules to follow did not let me embrace my authentic self; and I had to follow his rules lest I end up, "where there will be wailing and grinding of teeth". So I guess my relationship with god feels a lot like my relationships with fellow humans—imperfect.

So I've basically removed god from the traditional values that make god god, because I want companionship. And it's weird. I'm painfully aware that when I'm, "talking to god", I'm talking in my head to myself. But then I realize isn't that what Jesus was doing too? Jesus prayed to his father, but in John's Gospel, Jesus says, "The father and I are one" (not feeling like finding the verse to site, so just trust me, fam). So technically Jesus's "prayer" was a conversation with himself. 

So then why believe in god at all? Why not just solve my problems in my own head? I have no idea. I don't. I think it just helps me. I'm not sure if this is faith, spirituality, or me doing some form of cultural appropriation with religion. All I know is that I feel a little better because of it. It feels like embracing some of what was good about religion and letting go of what was bad. I feel more stable, more honest.

And I can't help but think god must be imperfect. As a friend said, "If god made us in his image, he must be fucked up too". Literally read any of god's activity in the OT to find the proof of that. It's almost as if Jesus in the NT is trying to make up for his past mistakes. Everyone calls Jesus meek and mild, but he preached about Hell and basically offered a roadmap on how to end up there. He's not all rainbows and sunshine, as another friend said. Shoutout friends.

So I don't believe in a lot of christian values. I don't think anyone should have to attend church unless they want to. I don't think right and wrong are as clear-cut as religion makes it seem. I don't think turning the other cheek is a healthy response to getting slapped, and I'm not sure if there's an afterlife. 

I'm laughing right now because I don't know what I am in the religious sphere at all. Anyone reading this far is probably confused af. I think the root of my emotional connection to god goes back to the eucharist. I still remember one of my teachers removing the host from a monstrance at my middle school and putting it back in the tabernacle. "That's beautiful," I said. "It sure is," he replied. And I don't think that feeling of connection to love and beauty will ever go away. I had something there that was special, even if it wasn't/isn't real.

I'm not sure what god is or what he wants or how he will be there for me, but I suppose that's the fun in all this: discovery, the path, the journey.

Wishing you all much love and hoping this post doesn't seem preachy. Shit maybe next week I won't believe in god anymore lmao. Peace!