Self-Expression

I thought I would pick up my weekly self-expression routine again. My hope will be to share my deepest self in a way that others can say, "Oh I feel/have felt that way too." I will continue my side projects where I try to entertain and share my inmost self more indirectly, but I believe this practice where I am more direct, on paper, for an audience, will also help me in my fantasy/novel/storytelling. 

This week I've been congested and slept too much, to the point where I wake up with back pain. Friends have been there for me, but I've felt like I've reached out more than I've been reached out to. But I know I tend to exaggerate and see things a little one-sided. 

I had a hard conversation with some podcast buddies about how I feel we've dwelt too much on the past in our discussions. I thought it might come off as an accusation, but, as with most things like this, they didn't take it that way and, in fact, agreed with me. Why is it we tend to think stating our feelings nicely will go badly? Well, that's easy. I've had hard conversations like this that have gone very badly. Where I've been gaslit in return with a, "How could you say something so rude?" And to be fair, I've said my share of rude things too. 

"Looking at the truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off" (Ted Lasso, paraphrased). When I look at where I'm at at thirty years old, I feel lots of regrets. As hard as I've tried, I can't fully say what my sexuality is. I know I enjoy things about both sexes, but it comes with different pleasures and different pains. I suppose more experience with guys it's what's needed, and I have made considerable efforts (man, I feel like I've talked about this too much). I also don't really know my spirituality/religion aside from staying in the present moment; and like Montaigne says, "We're never fully home [in our bodies]." So even the philosophy that guides my life is a star chased by wise men on a cloudy night. 

I remember chasing girls. The thrill of asking one out and even getting turned down was fun. It was a bit of a game to see what I could "land". That sounds self-absorbed. It is. I could manipulate feelings, get a girl wrapped up in me, and lead her on. I've told girls I've loved them without feeling the emotion. I deeply regret this. Sometimes I fantasize that my current unhappiness in the love category is karma for my past, and perhaps it is. I've adopted an honest approach now with my love interests, "I'm not sure what I prefer sexually, but if you are cool with sex without commitments, let's enjoy ourselves." Now I strikeout more than I hit homeruns, but I'd prefer an honest life. The dishonest one was tiring, and just felt wrong. 

I was more self-absorbed in the past. I thought I had all the answers, and I had more peace (more anxiety too to be fair). I live in more chaos now, and that's why the Mr. Corman show (Apple TV) is so relatable. Chaos is fun when it's experienced for what it is, when I'm drunk and living in the moment. Outside of that, it can be confusing and full of anxiety. That's why I'm drinking less now. I'd like to learn how to experience the present without so much anxiety. 

And I do miss adoration in a chapel with a God. With this Jesus looking down on me from that cross telling me, "Chin up, it's going to be okay." I remember sitting there many hours, but all the rules that came with this religion... man fuck those rules. I can be gay but not express it? I can feel horny but not masturbate? I feel childish for expressing pains like this that I "should be over" by now, but that Catholic guilt runs deep in me. 

"You're probably just an anxious person," my therapist told me. He was right. I am anxious. All of the time. And ironically people tell me I seem calm. I'm laughing as I type that. How do I seem calm when my thoughts are a blur and my brain a foggy place? 

I don't know what I'm doing here on earth. I say that with all the self-pity it implies, and that's not who I want to be. I want to be the one who knows what he's doing, like I did back as a kid with a "I'm going to be a priest, everybody!" Wow, that life would be cool on some level. Playing guitar as the cool priest. Giving communion to the hot girls fawning over me in their modest Sunday attire. Giving homilies. I suspect I'd be miserable unable to pursue love, but my love life is so blah now that perhaps this would be a step up. 

God, did I choose the wrong life path? Is my pride and conceit so high that I can't return to the religion of my childhood for fear that it would seem childish? But what if I would be happier there? I feel that any rule adjustments that came from me would diminish the experience. If I chose to believe in Jesus but then whittled down that same religion in a way to make me happy, would that somehow diminish the experience? Is it only meaningful with the rules laid out by tradition? Who invented that tradition? I don't recall Jesus saying anything about homosexuality or masturbation; or that coming to Church every Sunday is what is needed to be a good person; or that only if you are miserable can you be a true Christian. 

Jesus cared about love, only love. And that's beautiful. And tragic. Love is Buddhist, too. It's a giving but coupled with some emotion at some times, but other times completely devoid of emotion. Love can be an action with a feeling of hatred, like sparing the life of Hitler, or something. 

I want to live for love, I know that much. I want to care deeply about everyone, and I suppose that comes with boundaries—not because some are unworthy of my love—but because some people are hurting too much. And because they are hurting, they try to hurt others. So sometimes love for myself will mean hurting someone but in a positive way. Telling people the truth, when necessary (I don't need to tell fat people they're fat, for example), can also hurt people; but love isn't always pain free. 

Jesus didn't really talk about love fully. He said, "Lay down your life for your friends" as if this blanket statement covers everything; but love is so much more complicated. And the complexity is where I tend to give up and say, "It's all chaotic and there is no answer." And that's also a blanket statement that needs adjustment, "It's chaotic, but there are some answers, and we are always discovering, growing."

The truth is, I can't go back to loving Jesus because I've experienced "rule trauma". I associate Jesus with all the rules and negative emotions that caused me to leave Catholicism in the first place. I still believe in love, and I still respect Christianity for what it gave me, but I can't call myself a Christian and feel good about it. 

I'm hurting, and I hope that I don't hurt others too much; but I also know that, as a human, I do hurt others. I just hope people let me know when I do this so I can grow and learn and be a better person. I suppose my life mission is to grow, not be; to learn, not stay stagnant.

So while I can't say my identity is "Christian", I can say that I'm all about love and empathy and kindness and growth. I'm not one identity, and perhaps labels never fully capture everything about a person. And I hope I'm good enough for someone. I'm trying to be good enough for myself. I am good enough, and I just don't always see it because... Fuck if I know. I just tend towards negativity, but I'm trying not to. Haha. 

When I read all this mumbo jumbo, I think to myself, how will I ever, in my stories, build characters in my novels? People are so multi-faceted and complex!