Seeing through a Glass Darkly

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 "For now we see through a glass darkly. But then shall we see face to face. Now I know in part. But then shall I know just as I also am known."

-St. Paul (1 Corinthians 13:12)

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Me: I started to realize I had thrown the baby out with the bathwater when I left religion. Now I see it as—

Em: The baby out with the bathwater?

Me: Yeah (she must just now get how I'm using the metaphor), I realize now that some of it was good. Like the music and some of the results of theology.

Em: I really want to use that expression and take it home with me. 

Me: *Pause* It's a common expression. 

*Seeing she now realizes, to her embarrassment, that she already knew the expression*

Ppppttttt HAHAHAHALAUGHLAUGHLAUGHLAUGHLAUGHLAUGHLAUGHLAUGH... 

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I'm amazed that every human being is a walking cosmos of experience, emotions, thoughts and beliefs. We think the universe is big, but perhaps the inner world of human beings is bigger. 

The deceptively simple word "love" with it's single syllable and four letters is problematic to our complex human nature. I can love someone. I can also hate them, feel nothing for them, or fluctuate between these emotions. I can feel all of these emotions to varying degrees on some mysterious spectrum. Hating someone doesn't even necessarily mean I don't love them.

No wonder St. Paul held on to the belief that faith would eventually be rewarded with "seeing face to face" and no longer "seeing through a glass darkly". Beliefs in an afterlife and the existence of certainty may be placebos, but when believed, they help (that's why some atheists are jealous of those who can bring themselves to believe stuff). 

Even in the quiet of my room, listening to my thoughts, I don't find peace. I can envision a multitude of futures, different doors I could enter like in Monsters Inc.. With the power of imagination, I can visualize all sorts of outcomes and varying levels of happiness behind each door. 

No wonder imaginative, creative folks struggle with decision-making. With our ability to conjure infinite possibilities, life can be paralyzing. 

But sometimes, when I'm really quiet, I listen to my heart and "answers" arise through the fog. Perhaps that's God speaking to me like Elijah. Perhaps it's a new synapse connecting in my brain. Whatever it is it's fucking nice and I don't need to know how it happens (though I'll be the first to admit knowing this would be nice as fuck). 

St. Paul made it into the New Testament canon because he understood the human condition. I've never heard a better expression for the tumultuous nature of the mind than "seeing through a glass darkly". Part of not throwing out the baby with the bathwater is being able to say things like this, being able to see nuance and appreciate the Christian tradition rather than reject it in its entirety from a place of trauma. 

One of my favorite things is making a decision—nothing making sense (even if it did previously in my head in a really quiet moment), and making a choice anyway. 

I still put thought into the choice, but every choice has a certain level of uncertainty. Will this new restaurant give me gas? Will this person be a good friend? Will answering this text this way be okay? Will I be rejected?

*CHOICE* *LIVING WITH THE CONSEQUENCE* *OHFUCKOHFUCKOHFUCKOHFUCK*

“Marry, and you will regret it; don’t marry, you will also regret it; marry or don’t marry, you will regret it either way. Laugh at the world’s foolishness, you will regret it; weep over it, you will regret that too; laugh at the world’s foolishness or weep over it, you will regret both. Believe a woman, you will regret it; believe her not, you will also regret it… Hang yourself, you will regret it; do not hang yourself, and you will regret that too; hang yourself or don’t hang yourself, you’ll regret it either way; whether you hang yourself or do not hang yourself, you will regret both. This, gentlemen, is the essence of all philosophy.”

― Søren Kierkegaard

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