What's coming up?

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 "What's coming up for you right now?"

"I feel like a loser." Nathan cried and put his hands in his lap. 

"That sounds really frustrating." Dr. Michael let him cry. He had practiced many times when to intervene and when to let the patient have some time. He kind of wished Nathan would use the tissues to wipe the tears, but Nathan seemed to enjoy letting them run down his face. "What do you think makes you feel that way?"

"I suppose the high bar I set for myself?"

Why does everyone say this like a question, like I'm supposed to be able to dig an answer out of their minds. Dr. Michael adjusted his glasses but didn't move in his seat, though his lower back ached. "Do you set a high bar like this in other areas of your life?"

"Yeah," said Nathan. He brushed invisible lint off his work pants as a defense mechanism to avoid eye contact and inhaled sharply. "I do it quite a bit. I can't seem to just relax and enjoy things. I guess I'm always looking for the next thing. The next milestone to hit that will make me feel like I've made it."

"Ah, yes," said Dr. Michael, letting a silence hover a bit. "And then do you just feel exhausted at the thought of pursuing that milestone since it's so unachievable?"

Nathan deflated a bit. "Yeah." 

Dr. Michael could see the tiredness in those eyes. It reminded him of his last semester in grad school on top of his internship. It was hell and now he could relate better to Nathan. 

"Tell you what I'm going to give you some homework."

Nathan's eyes lit up. 

Oh boy, here's some  homework he will pursue with a perfectionist mindset. "Go check out The Happiness Trap. It's like 9 bucks on Amazon and well worth the read. The illustrated version is great in my opinion, but you can choose the long version if you like. Also check out Kristin Neff's Ted Talks on self compassion. Oh and I have an 80th birthday assignment I'll email you. It's an improved version of the morbid "create your own epitaph". Shoot is that too much homework?"

"No I'm excited," said Nathan.

Ok that was cute. "Great. See you next week." Dr. Michael smiled and held the door for him. 

"You have no idea how much this helps me. I really appreciate it. Shoot what's your name?" His face reddened. "I feel so bad I forg—"

"Oh no worries, you'd be surprised how often that happens."

Nathan walked off, consoled to the point that he didn't wait for the doctor to provide his name. Dr. Michael chuckled. He didn't need the validation. He was replaceable. He was happy to admit that the work itself was its own reward. He could remain nameless and that would be fine. 

Maybe Nathan will feel this way about his life someday.

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