A Sense of Dread

Sometimes I wonder if this self-acceptance ends in more than tears. If there really is a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm in my own valley of sorrows and tipsy enough to recognize it. Three shots, three drinks. The trinity of alcohol. 

I have the most amazing friends. I have a plan for my finances now too. I see all of my friends suffering so much too. And it's so weird. I see how lovely we all are and how much suffering life offers. How much joy too of course, but let's not dodge reality. I want to sit here with this discomfort and see if that sitting offers any relief. I know you're supposed to come from an angle of not wanting relief, of just experiencing life as it is. At least according to Buddhist philosophy. So I'm going to trust that now. 

A live meditation. 

I still smell the chicken cooked with too much garlic and salt emanating from my kitchen. I hope less roaches infest the area. I see the glare of my screen. I'm squinting both from a sadness that feels like a tightness in my chest and a hopeless feeling. I see it. I feel it. My forehead is tense. I'm relaxing as I notice it. My dog is breathing next to me softly. Little snorts. The fan is gently breezing. A part of me is wishing I was outside writing, but it's very cold for my Texan ass. My heart is beating fast. Am I okay? 

Is it okay if I'm not okay? Is not being okay a problem I need to fix? My breath is shallow, rigid, taut. I taste alcohol. I'm dehydrated but not ready for sleep. 

I'm afraid I'll never amount to anything in life. What if I die and no one cares? What if I let go of relationships, romantic or friendly, that were meant to be? I'm afraid. I'm scared I'll never jump in the deep end and risk unhappiness for my... But I don't feel urges. I don't feel like seeing the world right now or living up to all the values I've written down. I feel nothing but this tension in my chest and a fear of dying alone with so much left undone. So much left unsaid. 

I love men. I love women. I don't know how to choose between them (and I'm too jealous to choose both). I don't know why this is so hard for me and so easy for others. And why it used to feel so easy for me and now feels so difficult. I don't even know if I want a long term relationship. And I feel like I need to know that before I jump into one. Or maybe you meet "the right person" and feel like having a long term relationship with that person. But what is the right person? Do other people even think about these things so much? Am I utterly alone and everyone else is brimming with confidence in their decisions? I really don't know why I obsess over this so much. 

I've made out with plenty of guys and I already know that I find it averse sometimes. But maybe I haven't found the right guy. That "what if" question rages inside my heart, despite plenty of experimentation, trial and error. 

But I feel so romantic about men and they're so lovely and strong and protective. And I want a boyfriend in that sense. I feel myself most around guys. 

With girls I feel the need to hide certain jokes, refrain from certain behaviors that might seem too gay and turn them off. It's messier and complicated, and I don't feel like I understand women as much and their needs. But I love sex with women.

Even talking about all this is getting old. I may not post this. It's so personal to me and perhaps some things are best left personal. I don't know why though. What's the harm in vulnerability? People may offer their advice. They may tell me they relate to me or know the answer to my dilemma. Or they may make fun and say I should know it all by now and that I'm too old to be having doubts like this. If those are the worst things to fear, I suppose I don't mind. 

So I don't feel in a place where I'm ready to date someone because I haven't "figured myself out", but I can't tell if this desire to figure it out comes from a place of genuine curiosity into my sexuality or a compulsive need for a certainty that doesn't exist. If it's the first, then by all means pursuing my curiosity would be a great approach to answering a question I have. If it's the latter, I'm just torturing myself trying to find the answer. Kind of like how St. Augustine kept trying to shovel the ocean into a hole he'd made on the beach. 

I am very afraid. I'm very uncertain. And I really don't know which way to take this situation. I suppose I'll keep treating it as a question for now, but every act of experimentation is bringing me grief. And then every jump I take into long term relationships is also bringing me grief.

I know I have OCD. I've actually been diagnosed. So it's tough. This is a really tough mental illness, and things are very unclear for me. But I suppose, even in this, it's going to require making some uncomfortable choices. 

And a part of me feels like I'm playing the victim and that others struggle with things like this and that this is not so unusual. 

I'd like to feel less alone in this and find some inner peace in acceptance. That's really what I'm after, no matter what it takes. 

Because I don't want to die alone without loving someone and choosing someone and caring about someone. And I know these decisions are partly feeling-based, yes. I'd never want to get with someone I don't have feelings for. But I know my feelings are neurotic and constantly changing too. So I also want to make choices and stick with them, no matter how uncomfortable they make me feel. Because sitting in limbo won't get me anywhere.