A Sensitive Subject

“Get out, get out,” she said, backing up far enough for his penis to exit her. 

“What is it?” He asked.

“I’m… not sure we should be doing this.”

“What?”

“It’s just. It’s November 26th. And I think Fr. Mike said something about two weeks after my period being an off time for sex... if we don't want...”

“Ah,” he said. He quickly put on his underwear. 

“I’ll check the catechism,” she said. 

“No, stay here. I’ll go get it.”

Chris Dunham found it on their creaky wooden bookshelf and brought it in. His wife had put on loose fitting PJs and they read the part about marriage and sex. But they couldn’t find anything covering post-period sex. They went to bed, groines aching, and agreed to go see Fr. Mike that Saturday after confession for clarity. 

Fr. Mike left the confessional that next Saturday and saw them standing there in the empty chapel. It was Beth who broached the awkwardness and explained the situation. 

"We can't afford another child right now," whispered Chris.

Fr. Mike nodded solemnly and pulled them aside as if others were in the chapel. 

"If you are in this predicament," he said. "And you have need of one another," he brushed his chin stubble. "you'll need to let me be a holy bystander."

He saw the look of confusion on their faces. "I would need to say a prayer to St. Gerard Majella. He is the patron of fertility and also—not many know this—infertility."

"Holy bystander?" asked Chris. 

"For it to work, I need to be present." Fr. Mike saw their confused, slightly scared expressions. "While you perform your duty as husband and wife."

"What?" asked Beth.

"I don't understand," said Chris.

"I do this for couples all the time," said Fr. Mike. He didn't blush but continued in his even tone. "This is a sacred ritual granted to church pastors. I pray a prayer while you perform the act, St. Gerard intervenes, and a child is not conceived. It's a holy way to avoid a child you are not able to have at the moment."

"I don't know," said Chris, who was blushing. 

"I've never heard another couple talk about this," said Beth. 

"It's a sensitive subject for most couples," said Fr. Mike. "Hold on."

He went into the sacristy and came back with a little green booklet of prayers. 

"Here here," he licked his index finger and flipped through the book to the chapter on St. Gerard. "For married couples unable to wait during their time of fertility. The priest will stand beside the couple while they consummate their marriage and say a prayer."

Fr. Mike pointed to that section in the book so the couple could read it. 

"I'd really just like to know another couple I could ask about this," said Beth.

"Yes," agreed Chris.

"I wish I could share something like this with you," said Fr. Mike. "But I cannot breach that level of confidentiality. I promise you I would be nothing more than a bystander. I always turn away from the couple while they unite in holy love." Fr. Mike paused, and said. "You have my number. Just call me if you'd like. Just know, this practice is extremely common. And I can see you both love each other very much."

"Does this prayer always work?" asked Chris. 

"Always," said Fr. Mike. "St. Gerard never fails."

Chris and Beth looked at each other and back at Fr. Mike. "Okay," said Beth. "No, Chris, let's just take this leap of faith."

"Are you sure?" he asked. 

"Yes," she said. 

Fr. Mike nodded solemnly. "So will I be visiting tonight?"

"Yes," they both said, at slightly different times. They left the chapel slowly, holding hands. 

They got back home and realized they still had three hours to burn before 9 P.M. They cooked spaghetti for their kids. They watched Wednesday on Netflix. They put the kids to bed. They didn't really say much and the room felt tense.

Fr. Mike arrived at 9 P.M. with the green prayer booklet and a bottle of red wine. "It helps with the awkwardness," he said, seeing their confusion. 

"I don't really drink," said Chris. 

"Well, you take communion every weekend, right?" said Fr. Mike. "This is not much different."

He poured glasses for them after Beth had washed their dusty wine glasses. The three of them stood in the kitchen. 

Wednesday was paused on the screen, and Fr. Mike made some comments about Jenna Ortega's acting. Beth agreed and they talked about that a bit while Chris sipped his drink. He wasn't a drinker so his cheeks were reddened by the end of the glass and he engaged in some conversation. 

"To the bedroom?" asked Fr. Mike.

Chris and Beth nodded quickly and smiled a bit. 

"We really appreciate you coming by," said Beth. Her voice was a bit shaky.

"Oh it's all part of my job," said Fr. Mike. He motioned toward their bedroom with both hands and they walked ahead of him. 

Fr. Mike opened his prayer booklet when they arrived and read:

O Great Saint Gerard, beloved servant of Jesus Christ, perfect imitator of your meek and humble Savior, and devoted Child of the Mother of God: enkindle within this couple's hearts one spark of that heavenly fire of charity which glowed in your heart and made you an angel of love. O glorious Saint Gerard, this couple, afire with holy love, cannot have a child at this time. Please, in your goodness and mercy, make the husband alike unto thyself in holiness and infertility. Preserve this couple from children until such time as they are able, that any future children may see the light of day and receive the lustral waters of baptism through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen."

Beth and Chris said "Amen" after he did. Fr. Mike turned away from them and said, "You may begin."

At first Beth and Chris just stared at each other. 

"Is there any... trouble?" asked Fr. Mike.

"No, no," they both said. They sipped some wine. 

Fr. Mike turned around and walked to Beth. "You are so lovely," he said. "Isn't she lovely, Chris?"

"Yes, yes, she is," said Chris. 

"Okay, I'm just going to help out a bit here. No no, it's okay," he told Beth who had shuddered at his touch. "I've heard your confessions for goodness sake, there's nothing I can't handle."

Fr. Mike grabbed the side of Beth's shirt with one hand and directed Chris's hand to the other side of her shirt. Together they helped her out of her shirt. Beth started to shudder harder, but Fr. Mike motioned toward her drink. She sipped and nodded and Fr. Mike pointed at Chris's drink. He sipped too. 

"Much better," said Fr. Mike. 

"Yes," said Chris, who took his own shirt off.

"See how easy this is?" said Fr. Mike, touching Chris's chest. "Beth, you have a beautiful husband, and you are a beautiful wife. There's nothing to be afraid of. St. Gerard is watching over you both. Here let me get this." He reached into his cassock and pulled out a handkerchief. He wiped Beth's sweaty brow with it. 

Fr. Mike turned back away from them and listened as Chris took off Beth's bra and took his own jeans off. Fr. Mike turned around and said, "I'm just turning around since you've made great progress. Let me give you both the kiss of Christ." He kissed both of Beth's nipples and the tip of Chris's penis through his underwear, ignoring the protests only voiced by their confused, ragged breathing. "Peace be with you both. Now consummate your marriage under St. Gerard's protection."

Chris took off his underwear and took Beth's underwear off once they were in the bed. He looked over at Fr. Mike and Fr. Mike turned away. 

"You okay, honey?" asked Chris. 

"Yeah, I don't know," said Beth. "I..."

"Here," said Fr. Mike. He put something stretchy and rubbery and slimy on Chris's member. "This will help," he said, ignoring Chris's questioning look. And it did help. Fr. Mike didn't look away this time and stroked Beth's hair occasionally while she shuddered. Chris finished and pulled out and nearly jumped out of the bed. 

"I-I'm sorry," he said. Beth cried quietly.

Fr. Mike, handkerchief in hand, pulled the stretchy thing off of Chris and put a hand to his neck. "It's okay, it's okay. Have some more wine and let's call it a night. I have more parishioners to visit and your wife needs your loving embrace."

Fr. Mike looked at Beth and back at Chris. "The peace of Christ and St. Gerard be with you both."