bodies. body of christ. feelings feelings feelings.

I accept my body. I accept that I don't accept my body. I accept that I accept that I sometimes both accept and don't accept my body. If accepting my body is a feeling, then I'm not too good at this because I don't feel too good about my body. I'm writing everyday now. Even when I don't feel like it. Because I read that life is not about doing what feels good but about doing what you find meaningful. And I find unlimited self-expression meaningful. Because unlimited self-expression feels good. Shit. I'm back at a feeling based decision. But what else is meaning but something that feels right? I suppose it could be doing something that someone else calls meaningful. Jesus called love meaningful. And his death on a cross is the absolute "I don't feel like doing this but it's meaningful" power move. Until you look at it too closely and realize he didn't need to die on a cross. I mean, he's the one making literally all the rules. He doesn't have to really do anything except as he chooses. I'm losing my train of thought. Is meaning in life doing good deeds for other people? How do you separate a meaningful life from what you feel in your heart and mind? Aren't thoughts just feelings that you express in words or concepts or images in your mind? Except in the corporate world where saying things you're supposed to say (or someone else's feelings about what everyone should say) trumps saying what you actually feel: kind regards, I look forward to your response, per my last email (yeah all this has probably been spoken about too much at this point). My favorite sign-off email tag was always "Best". Not "Best Wishes" or anything. Just "Best". Usually the higher up you go in the corporate world, the shorter and less jargony your emails. Usually the higher ups would sign off with a "Best". I'm bored with my own writing at this point. Does anyone even care what living a meaningful life means? All I see on TikTok (an app I recently deleted and am letting you know about that move to subtly-not-so-subtly virtue signal) are cooking videos, awful comedy sketches, worse stand-up comedy, and thirst traps. Am I the weirdo thinking too much about life? I think the answer is probably yes. "Spencer, get a journal" someone might be screaming. But what separates a journal from writing? Isn't writing still people sharing their feelings? Sure you get a Tom Sawyer story. A Game of Thrones story. But isn't that just authors expressing their feelings in very indirect ways? Like isn't GRRM just talking about how chivalry doesn't exist and how tough it is to make choices? He could've written that whole story in about a page and a half of journaling, but he just chose a more exciting way to express it that appeals to more people. What even appeals to people? My favorite thing we talked about in corporate: "chasing the market". As if there's this concept of a market that exists out there and we all symbiotically feed it with our thoughts and feelings and that's what businesses are supposed to target with their branding and products. How cool. I think we made up "the market". I think we made up a lot of things if I'm being honest: Love, Thoughts, Words. But it's a good thing we made some of these things up. Or else I wouldn't be able to write these words on a blog seen by millions of people (hahaha). We're all gonna die soon aren't we. And that's not okay but it also is because living here forever... Nvm, living forever sounds cool. Only because I don't know what happens after we die. Maybe one of the religions has it right. The Greek afterlife sounds most accurate. Just a bunch of sad people in Hades but also not being tortured. I'm into it. I fuck with that. God I hate modern phrases. SUS, Fuck with that, Bruh, Sup... Garbage. I think I'm too pessimistic. I need to think more positive thoughts to chase the negativity away? The Buddhist approach is more fun. Just let the thoughts exist in your mind and then choose what you value. But then I'm back to "What is worth valuing? What's meaningful?" 

You're seeing my OCD brain at work and I both apologize and am trying not to apologize for who I am as a person. As the horrible saying goes "It is what it is". 

I'm now enjoying writing this again. I'm glad I pushed through in writing this when I didn't feel like it. That's not to say that I've figured anything out. I just feel better. Like maybe this helped someone who feels these things to feel less alone. And that's good. But it's also back to feelings. Maybe feelings and meaning go more hand in hand than we think. We always get so meta in talking about "the meaningful life" or "living by our values". And maybe our western minds want to parse actions and thoughts from feelings which is probably impossible. Changing my western mind to eastern ideology has been challenging. Westerners like figuring everything out or feeling super confident about shit. Eastern minds recognize the blend. The flow of the river. How humans are complex creatures that cannot fit into neat little boxes and categories we create. We literally jizz and piss out of our dick holes as the sage Ari Shaffir said (his "Jew" special on YouTube is actually pretty good, and I hate standup lately so that says something), so we need to stop thinking we can live up to wildly meaningful life expectations for our animal selves (Buddhists say the "Self" doesn't exist, and I'm still trying to wrap my head around that). Maybe the biggest takeaway from the Christ is how utterly ridiculous his life was. Maybe that's the hidden message: No one but God can be God so quit trying so fucking hard to achieve impossible dreams of "saving the planet" or "forgiving sins". Sins are here to stay and they're kinda fun so might as well keep sinning. And the planet is going to die out eventually when the sun gets too close or whatever. Shit maybe it is a conspiracy and all the scientists are lying. Sounds unlikely but who fucking knows. How are people supposed to make money writing? I need to get back to chasing the market so I'm going to study it quite a bit this week. I will provide another update soon as per my last blog. Wishing you all a day that FEELS good and meaningful and valuable. Life is so short and also so long. And also the only thing we got. I don't fucking know. I love my boy (let's add "my boy" to the list of modern phrases I hate) Socrates and Ygritte: YOU KNOW NOTHING JON SNOW.

Kind Regards.