I’d Rather not Carpe Diem

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CARPEEEEEEEE DIEMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
whispers Robin Williams.

I get emotional watching that scene in Dead Poet's Society. But it's a fleeting emotion. Like the spiritual highs I used to get from Catholic retreats. That kind of high doesn't last. 

I've resolved to live today as "present" as possible. This means getting in touch with my physical sensations as often as possible and becoming aware of my thoughts in a non judgmental way. I've already noticed a difference. I'm noticing the bad things, but I'm also noticing the cute things. Like the curve of a dog's tail I saw as he and his owner walked under an underpass. I notice my anxiety as physical tension, and focusing my attention there makes me aware of what's really happening. Anxiety isn't really a big deal. It's just a physical response to stimuli. And I notice many things make me anxious. Like interacting with people. No wonder lots of time around people exhausts me. Going into overdrive will do that.

I think living in the present is a more sustainable path to wellbeing. Being present is not a high. In fact it's often "boring" (by boring I mean not stimulating like a song or a book or a movie). And it's something I can do any time of the day. Any time my mind is going nuts, I can go back to the present moment. 

The stars pulsate like beating hearts
They guide us to green pastures
Not tended by shepherds, but encircled by wolves,
And we are not sheep, but men and women and non binaries.
Tracing the passage of time, defending the weak, restraining the tyrants.
It's in our hands now. 
We work together. We suffer together. We live together.

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