I'm not Special Anymore

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I grew up believing my whole existence was geared toward saving souls, bringing Jesus to others. I believed there was a divine plan so even if I couldn't see the future, I could believe that the future was bright and full of rainbows because it was in God's hands. Even if I had to "carry my cross", it was only temporary.

Now I don't believe there is a divine plan for my life. I'm not sure if the future is bright and happy. I'm not sure if I will save any souls or if I am Christ-like. I wonder if I'm actually a bad person.

So my choices feel less meaningful and special. Because I feel less meaningful and special. I'm not god's gift to humanity anymore. 

There's a deep fear that will always exist too somewhere in my heart, no matter how ridiculous those beliefs seem now: What if, in spurning a belief in the divine plan, I somehow rejected a happy ending (no pun intended) for my life? What if God's plan for me did exist, and by rejecting the priesthood and a Catholic life, I've rejected his good plan, his right plan, the spot he'd saved for me in heaven?

So it's no surprise to me that I still agonize over making decisions for my career and love life. That I still think there is some "right" decision out there just beyond the horizon. If I could only reach out a little further, I would find it. "Maybe all it takes is one more compulsive search for certainty to feel like I'm doing the right thing". 

The new beliefs I have feel less special. I now believe that I have the ability to fall in love with many people, not just "the one". And this makes love feel less special. If I can fall in love with many people, love is just a compatibility thing more rooted in chemical processes than some "perfect fit" planned by God. I believe many careers would be good pursuits, so my choice to focus on writing feels less special. WHAT IF I SHOULD BE FOCUSING MORE ON COMEDY OR SINGING OR ACTING? 

Sometimes I wish I felt that same special way I felt as a kid. It's nice to feel special, and we all want to feel special. The heroes we look up to have special abilities and talents. We are taught that the talents we possess and the beliefs we hold and the gods who love us are what make us special. 

There is good news to the paradigm shifts though.

There never was a good reason to believe in God or a divine plan to begin with. Really. Nothing in day to day lived experience suggests a loving higher being looking out for us. The cheap miracles I've heard about seem to be coincidences and happenstance. And I have seen many who left "vocations" in pursuit of their heart's desires who are much happier now than they were before. 

Because choosing our own paths is freeing. Yes, the infinite variety of options life offers feels daunting, but choosing paths that are "good enough" brings joy. Yes, some of the joy is diminished in some ways, but new joys take their place. Life opens up to a variety of new experiences to be tasted, felt on every level, smelt, touched, seen. There is no God dictating right and wrong anymore to stop us.

There is a breadth of acceptance that opens too. We can't judge people as harshly for the decisions they make. We love the sinner but don't hate the sin because we understand the sinner. We see ourselves in everyone and love everyone regardless of their beliefs. And since none of us are special, we all are special and each person is a color on the rainbow that can be appreciated uniquely, even if we don't get along with all of them or spend time with them. 

Dying and not going to heaven can't really be spun nicely as far as I know. Death is still death and something I fear as far as the pain of it goes anyway. But I don't fear it as far as wondering if I'll go to hell. I see it as being part of the natural order of the world and hope to meet it with a smile on my face in appreciation. But more than likely it will be screaming in pain or in some DMT-altered state. 

Developing confidence in my own decisions will be a life-long task. I look forward to existing in the state of growth and change. Of finding my own meaning in this shit heap. I also look forward to continuing the experience of all the colors of life. 



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