Paths

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wHeN yOu kNoW yOu KnOw. 

I had that feeling once. I had someone I thought I was insanely connected to. Our chemistry was unparalleled. And then a sad incident I can't divulge ended it. I still think about that person and it really was special. I'm not sure if I was in love, which probably means I wasn't. We only dated for a few months. But I did love her. And I genuinely enjoyed everything: the friendship, humor, sex, everything. 

But it's over now. 

I want to be in a relationship again, but at the same time I don't really want to settle down. I suppose that means I'm looking for an open relationship, but then I get jealous so I guess I don't really want that either. I'm not good at sharing. So I guess in order to have that connection and fun, I'll need to sacrifice fun for monogamy. 

And perhaps that's not so bad. We could have a family. Raise a few kids. Drive the ole Sedan. I don't know. It feels a little bland. But maybe life just feels a little bland. 

Or maybe I can sacrifice my jealousy and have the fun. But I'm in that boat now and it's not terribly fun coming home and not having someone to share my life with. It's a little bland and lonely. I'm not liking this blog. It feels like stuff I should have sorted out by now. My friends know what they want and have families of their own and all that. And I feel like I'm 31 and just beginning to discover myself and what I want. I suppose that's one of the effects of leaving religion and priesthood aspirations behind late in life. But even some of my ex seminary friends have moved on and gotten past all that. And I'm here.

I hate when people call me out for not getting on from my past. I think I use my past as a crutch to avoid the decision-making it will take to move forward. I spin my wheels between dating and being single but am not fully in either boat. Because it's a tough decision. It's hard for me to know what I want when every path seems just as good as all the others. Which will end in regret? Which will end in happiness? 

Soren says they all end in regret. I take some comfort in that. I really can just choose and see what happens. I don't need to stay in this stale mate. I can. I will. I'll start making choices and date people and just see where it goes and how it makes me feel and make the best decisions I can. I think I'm just scared of "messing up", but I think staying where I am is "messing up" even more than never making a move. 

I don't want to die in this space of stagnation. 

So. The theme I always come back to creeps up again: No one knows what they want, they just choose the best imperfect paths they can.

I swear I'll find a new theme to discuss someday.

Comments

  1. AnonymousApril 24, 2024 at 4:08 PM

    Would like to text if you’re down how can I contact you?

    ReplyDelete

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