North Pole PR Position Cover Letter

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Dear Mr. Kringle,

Please accept this application from a musician who wishes to apply to your open PR position.

This job stuck out to me because it is so much in line with my past experience and future goals.

I grew up receiving your gifts every Christmas. I would say they ranged from practical to desirable. Some years you really leaned into Fruit of the Loom products. I noticed those were the years where my behavior was, in hindsight, less than ideal. Other years I received products that were actually on my list. I still use that guitar you got me in 2008. 

I would say that your public reputation is overwhelmingly positive, and I want to be a part of the amazing teams of elves and... okay I'm not really sure how many factions run your empire... I want to be a part of the team helping you spread your gifts around the world.

But what if we upgraded your image? What if I could help you become a god? Before you throw my application in the trash, please hear me out. I know this sounds crazy, but you'd make a better God than the current God. Your paradigm of naughy vs. nice is already much more reasonable than the absolute good vs. absolute evil paradigm touted currently by God's believers. 

The best part is that this image change wouldn't even require much work. Listen, when people pray to God for things to happen now, they have zero expectations. I once saw a mother pray that her daughter would be able to walk again after a car accident. When she remained in a wheelchair anyway, the mother didn't blame God. She said, "This must all be part of some greater plan." On the flip side, whenever anything good happens to believers, they do a 180 and attribute it to God's goodness!

So you see, becoming a god wouldn't require you to actually change anyone's life, we would just need to get people to replace God with Santa in their minds. 

And I don't think this change will be difficult. I could be your Gospel writer. We could start working on your first miracles together. Imagine the headlines! "Santa raises Walt Disney from the dead"; "Instagram influencer prays to Santa while petting a reindeer and her face transforms into AI art"; "Nickelback creates a new hit single". Even if you don't actually have these powers (I really don't know the full extent of your power so I'm just throwing ideas around here), I'm very good at editing videos with an iphone.

Look, if you want to go on being nothing more than a gift giver who repeatedly gets cucked by children's parents, throw my application right in the trash. But if you want to be worshipped and seen as an all-powerful deity, you're looking at your next PR representative. You can reach me about this opportunity by cell phone or... chimney.

Kind Regards,

Chad Kroeger

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