The Role Self

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I'm reading an amazing book called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, and I would recommend this book to anyone. It's been an extremely healing read for me. 

The biggest thing I've noticed in myself, from reading this book, is that I play a role in doing whatever it takes to be liked. That desire for people to think I'm kind or empathetic or nice has kept me from being honest at times. And I don't think empathy or kindness are bad, but when being nice becomes more important than telling someone they hurt my feelings, or when being nice means ignoring how I've been mistreated so I don't rock the boat too much, it becomes a supression of my own needs at my own expense. 

And trying so hard to be liked probably has the opposite effect I'm going for. When people see my attempts at getting attention through jokes or a blog or a fake compliment, I'm sure it comes off as insincere as it is. And when people sense insincerity, they usually don't like it. So then people stop liking me because they see through the bullshit. Whoops.

And there is a fine balance here. I don't want to be a dick just to be a dick. I still value kindness as a valuable virtue. But when someone is a dick to me, I don't just want to take it anymore. No one needs an unlubed dick they didn't consent to. There's my attempt at humor. Like me now?

So I think rather than trying to get attention with my blog or comedy, I want it to be more about expressing my true self. The real Spencer. I want to live with less anxiety. Trying to please others is a pretty exhausting way to live, because there's always someone I'm not pleasing, someone who might be mad at me for something. 

I think growing up I was afraid of making people angry because it could have negative effects for me, so that explains how I learned to play this people-pleasing role. It was a survival mechanism. It made me feel safe. As long as I stayed within these bounds and said these things and acted in these ways, I was safe. 

But fuck all that. Now that I'm older, who fucking cares if someone doesn't like when I make a joke I think is funny? Who cares if I post something that makes people uncomfortable that expresses how I feel? Who. Fucking. Cares.

Now I know I have to play certain roles in this stupid society we've built with its dated rules and social niceties. Getting ahead in my career and staying out of jail will certainly require some dumbass efforts to hide my authentic self. But in my own personal life, with the friendships I develop, love interests I pursue, I don't want to play games or keep up an exhausting facade because other people think I should behave in a way that coddles their narrow views. 

I want to be freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. 

Braveheart lol: FREEDOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

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