Embracing Uncertainty

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I think I grew up with this sense that everything had its place. I had my place. My family had its place. My friends had their place. Everything was tidy, orderly, seasonal. God was up above and planned my future and had set me on this earth with a mission to be a priest who would inspire and save souls.

I've spent a lot of time. A lot. Wondering why I feel less purpose now. But how would I not when I no longer believe in those things I mentioned. When you're living believing you're on the right path that's best for you and leave it, you're bound to feel some type of way.

And now I feel lost sometimes. Sure, there's moments when I'm living my personal values where I feel excited and happy. I picked up acting again and it feels meaningful and fun, but it doesn't feel like THE path. It feels like A path I chose. And the fact that it's a path I chose may mean it's not the best possible path for me. I may be making a mistake. Maybe I should be doing something else. Maybe there's something better out there that I'm missing that I was supposed to choose.

But when I think about my other life. The life I left. By now I'd have a parish. I'd hear confessions and try to help people live loving lives. I'd probably feel like I was in the right place in that way. But every night I would go to bed by myself and wonder what life would be like with a romantic partner. I would wonder what it would be like to be more honest with my parishioners, more fun, less inhibited by the rules and regulations. I'd have to hold back in homilies and tell everyone "everything will be okay", when deep down I wouldn't be so sure. 

So even if I would feel more "sure" of things as a priest, I would feel less myself. And that's the tradeoff I've made. Security for authenticity. Safety for adventure. 

And I can't say that I'm living that adventurous life to the fullest all the time, but I'm slowly removing obstacles. Every day I'm loving myself more, respecting my decisions, growing. I'm enjoying pursuing an authentic life, connected to nature, my friends, my family. I'm doing the best I can and doing my best to embrace this weight of uncertainty.

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