An Old Fuck

Am I a good person? asked Cindy. She tugged on her braid which Alex noticed looked pretty oily. He thought about saying of course but felt like she might stop asking if he didn't say anything. He'd been noticing her breasts more than anything anyways. Their trip for boba tea had been pretty dull. Cindy had prattled on about her "friend" Molly: a red headed broad who had slighted Cindy in some way. Alex had nodded along mostly, trying not to choke on the tapioca balls in his brown sugar tea. God he needed to watch his sugar intake.

Okay we're here, said Alex. Cindy hesitated long enough where Alex could tell she wanted him to kiss her and he obliged. Nice seeing you, he said. You too, said Cindy. Cindy didn't shut the door well so Alex waited 'til she was past her apartment gate to slam it shut. 

I think I keep choosing dates like this for a shitty reason, he thought. But he had thought about this a lot and didn't feel like diving deep again only to end up with another inconclusive conclusion. So he played Spotify non premium, held back his anger during the ad, and listened to Morgan Wallen. 

You're awfully sad, said a voice. Alex looked behind him and saw a ragged grey-haired drunk in his backseat. He screamed. Chill chill, said the old dude. Get the fuck outta my car, said Alex, trying to unlock his door with shaky hands and pulling off to the feeder. He wasn't the rude type of person to dump somebody on a freeway. 

Can you at least get me to that Exxon up there? said the dude. Sure, said Alex. The calmness in the dude's voice made him think maybe things were fine. Hey, said Alex, how the fuck did you get in my car. He was surprised at his own audacity. I just hopped in, said the dude, while you were fucking with the door, it gave me time to sneaky sneak in here. He laughed at his own way of wording that. 

As the old dude got out of the car, he said, Cindy's not a good person by the way. Thanks for the ride! Alex nearly drove off but realized the old dude must've been in his backseat longer than he let on. He waited until the old dude waved at the cashier, thanking him for the newports. 

How long were you in my car? asked Alex. You lied to me. I lied to you? laughed the old dude. Oh yeah I suppose I did. Then the old dude vanished for a split second, and then Alex saw a hawk where the old dude had been a second ago. Is this what you wanted, asked the hawk. Then the hawk disappeared, replaced by a Cindy-look-alike. Hey Alex, she said in a sexy voice. And then it was the old dude again. What the fuck! said Alex. Hush hush said the old man. What do you want me to say? That I'm a shape-shifter? Okay fine I said it! You got me you silly goose. Oh you got me good. The old dude shook with mirth and he pulled out a cigarette. Ah fuck, he said. Forgot a lighter. He walked back in the store while Alex stood there, shocked at his own lack of shockedness. The old dude's demeanor was just not scary. Alex waited to feel terrified or anything at all. 

The old dude reappeared and started smoking. You're still here? Geez man. 

You're not Cindy are you? asked Alex, suddenly wondering if he'd been falling for an old dude for the past three weeks. Are you assuming my pronouns? asked the old man. Not very progress—never mind. No, I'm not Cindy. That one has done things man. She's on a damn tear! What do you mean? asked Alex. Well, she's just not living up to her potential in any kind of way. It's frightening really. His cigarette died so he relit it. 

Okay so who the fuck are you? I just told you, said the old man. I'm a shape shifter. Are you a god or THE God? The old man just laughed. I don't fuck with anything but me. I can shape shift, but I don't control whatever else is going on in... this. I'm just in it like you, my man. Can you die? asked Alex. Probably. I've been around a while. He suddenly looked at the sky and roundabout as if lost in thought. 

Well, if we're hanging out, maybe let's go get food. I just ate, said Alex. Yeah but that's just tea. Okay are you also omniscient? asked Alex. I intuit things, said the man. I don't know how I know certain things but I know 'em. Anyway I want pizza. Let's get pizza. Okay, said Alex. 

Alex just watched him eat. The old man had a somber energy now. Pizza and cigarettes, laughed the old man. Ain't this the life. Meeting strangers like you. I wouldn't say you tried to meet me, said Alex, who just realized he was missing his hangout with his friends. He texted them quickly that he was busy. Oh, but I did, said the old man. I saw your bored face on your date and thought, that's not how a date should be. Alex reflected and realized the old dude was right. You're right, said Alex. I should be excited on a date. Well, maybe not that either, said the old man. But peaceful? Yeah. Generally chill? Yeah. The old man was talking with his mouth full and Alex had to look away. What? said the old fuck. Afraid of a little cheese and saliva? I'd bet you've eaten worse. Alex blushed. Yep, I'm right. 

The old man darted out of the room in a blur. Alex sat there for a long time and ate some more pizza. God he really needed to watch his cholesterol intake. Oh well.