Friends with Benefits

Well how long will you fuck her? said Jeff. 

As long as she'll let me, I guess, I said. I almost said I suppose but knew I'd only be saying that to sound more sophisticated. More in control. I took another sip of Bulleit. 

So that's that huh.

I detected a hint of judgment and an unspoken request for a redeeming reason. I could've said that we did have chemistry or who knows where this might go. But that didn't feel honest. Really. So instead I stood up to get the bottle for a refill. He tapped his cigar butt while looking down. Jeff was sophisticated. At least he liked to think so. He did use beard oil.

I purposely poured his whiskey too quickly and enjoyed his panicked DUDE. 

Truthfully I felt a little bad fucking someone just because they allowed it. She was a placeholder for someone I actually wanted. And fucking her anyway felt. Wrong.

But I had made myself clear. I see us just as friends, I'd said. And she'd still agreed to keep fucking me. So maybe we were using each other.

If she fell in love, that was on her, I thought. As if falling in love was something one could turn on/off like a stove. My conscience wasn't quite clear, though. Which I blamed partly on my former religiosity. And partly on her. 

I wished she'd act less interested in me. Her frequent texts. The way she looked at me... But if she stopped all that, would I still want her? Was I just seeking validation in someone I didn't even like that much?

Were we really even friends with benefits? Or just acquainted with benefits? I know her. I'll fuck her. And that's that. 

I took another sip. Jeff was staring at the fire pit. The flames dying low and the embers flickering between white and red. He was happy, I thought. He had a steady relationship and children he cared about. 

And I was just fucking randoms. I hated that my sex drive overwhelmed standards I imagined I had. Perhaps I was always stumped by the what's your type question, because I'd take whatever I could get. And maybe if I didn't believe I deserved someone I actually wanted, then someone I didn't want was what I deserved.

But what was the alternative? Fuck no one while I waited for prince charming? Perhaps I'd be waiting forever. And I was all about carpe diem. 

You're a good guy, said Jeff. 

I wasn't sure if he was saying that more for himself or for me. Either way I stifled a chuckle and took a sip and looked at the sky. Orion looked good.

I wish I believed that, I said. But while I don't. I'll have my fun.

You could believe it and still have fun though, dude. 

Yeah, true. And as I thought about it longer, I couldn't find a good enough reason not to.