A Walk with David

    We walked alone through the woods, and I listened to the crunch of autumn leaves beneath our boots. We wore frayed tunics with our cowls pulled over our necks and heads. With each breath, ice-cold oxygen stung my windpipe, and I could feel it all the way to my stomach. I hadn't eaten all day and half-wondered if the air itself was quenching my hunger.

    "I'm depressed," I said suddenly, surprising myself. I felt shocked, as if the words had sprung from my mouth accidentally. 

    David said nothing, and his silence sent me into a panic. Had I infringed on his conversational comfort levels? Lord knows it wouldn't be the first time I'd done that to a friend. 

    Friend? Boyfriend? Friend? Boyfriend?

    He pulled an apple from his satchel and handed it to me. Then he pulled another and started eating it. I tried to glean anything from his expression, but he looked like I hadn't said anything. I supposed he was nonverbally saying he would move on and was giving me permission to do the same, so I bit into my apple. It was cold, and the apple was so firm that it took some effort to bite into. I saw why as soon as the juice exploded in and out of my mouth. I brought my hand to my chin and wiped the juice, relishing the sweet flavors of honey and caramel balanced by tart lemon. I wondered if the ichor of the gods tasted this good. 

    We both needed a rest and sat under an exceptionally large, white birch tree. I took another bite of the apple and found it was so good I couldn't help laughing a little. Then, a tear came to my eye as I reflected on how this was the first time I had laughed all day. It made me sad to realize how far my depression had progressed. 

    David took my hand in his without warning, and at first, I resisted. But we were alone with no one to judge us. David did that thing he liked, where he rubbed the creases in my skin near the base of my thumb with his thumb. I sniffled from crying and looked over hesitantly, embarrassed. But David was just watching some birds hopping around, pecking the earth. So I stopped suppressing my sniffles and wiped my eyes as the tears came faster and faster. I was proud of myself that I did not sob out loud, though a couple of his squeezes of my hand brought me awfully close. 

    I felt David's hand on my back and followed the rhythm of his movements until my head rested in the crook of his shoulder. As I looked around through my tears, I observed a kaleidoscope of color as the sun reflected off autumn leaves: rubies and delicate snowy whites, the deep purples of merlot and bright pumpkin. I avoided wiping my eyes to enjoy this effect as long as possible. 

    "Your boss really is an asshole," said David. We both laughed long and hard. The release was all the more sweet as I realized he was not uncomfortable with my depression or my crying. 

    "He sure is," I replied, "But I won't have to deal with him forever. I'll either get a new one, or I'll die."

    "Death is the ultimate freedom," he said. 

    "But you don't seem as depressed," I said. "And you also have a shitty boss."

    "He does suck," David agreed. But I looked at his expression, and he seemed more indifferent about it than concerned. 

    "What keeps you going?" I asked.

    "I don't think I could pin it to any one thing," he said thoughtfully. "Right now, it's being here with you."

    He kissed me, and he tasted like apple. His small mustache tickled, and I laughed uncomfortably. He pulled back, grinning. I felt my face redden, but he didn't say anything. 

    "Perhaps you're just too hard on yourself," he said. "You go into your day expecting to feel things, do things, be things, and anytime you fall even slightly short of that, you feel like you've let yourself down."

    "Yeah, that checks out," I admitted. 

    He smiled, "Living in the moment isn't easy. It requires a certain letting go of those expectations to just be present and learn. You're never gonna be perfect, ya know."

    He did a sexy head tilt as he said that last part, and this time, I kissed him. "You're right."

    So we lived in the moment that day until sunset, abandoning our worries and giving ourselves to each other completely. We knew we would have to brave the night, huddled over a small fire to avoid attracting thieves, but our bodies would keep each other warm. And that was enough.