Spencer Moseley

The most terrifying question: "Is everything okay?" What would I even say to that? That the wave of uncertainty stemming from my lack of purpose is devouring my soul day by day? Clouding my brain? Draining my motivation? Locking me into a routine of hope and disappointment? I've tried Jesus (the prescription for everything). I talk to him. But I know I'm just having an inner monologue. The "Jesus" I talk to just so happens to be a reflection of myself. When he tells me to "enjoy that Taco Bell," I've brought my shallow image of him to life: a reminder that "the Father and I are one." Someone might say: "But Jesus is completely real, and you have to connect with Bible Jesus rather than the version you've created in your head. Ah, the Bible. Perhaps that's true. But... If I believed he was literally real, as presented in the Bible, would he start speaking to me?  From past experience, he didn't. All quiet on the western...

What's meaningful? What matters? It's kind of weird to think that only I can answer that. Only you can answer that. And our answers will probably be different. And you'll look at my LOTR books and be like wtf. And I'll look at your Taylor Swift collection and be like wtf.  But here we are. Two Worlds, One Family. Trust your heart. Let Faith Decide........nvm. (but for real what a banger song). My whole paradigm has shifted. I grew up thinking something mattered objectively for everyone, everywhere, all at once: God and getting to heaven and living a holy life.  Now I think that, objectively, nothing matters. That tree we both see doesn't matter. It's gonna die. Sure it may provide life to other creatures. Other creatures also bound for the same nothingness we will all sink into. Literally.  But things do matter, subjectively, TO ME. My friends and family matter. Sharing my thoughts and feelings in this blog matters. Nature matters. Singing matters. Things that m...

I think sometimes I look at someone smiling through pain and think "that person is so fake. There's no way they feel like smiling". But maybe how we approach pain is a choice, not a necessity. I can feel depressed or sad or tired or angry and respond with a smile. And that smile, that laugh, can make me feel better and good about my life.  And I think those are moments I look back at with fondness. I can remember certain times someone upset me and I just let it go or smiled back. And that felt wholesome and good. I felt more in control of my mood and of my life in those moments. I am certainly human and have to remember I won't always have it in me to smile. Sometimes my emotions will take the drivers seat. And I certainly don't want to smile as a way of hiding my pain from others.  But I think what I have to ask myself is: In this challenging moment, what do I want? If I want to feel my feelings for a bit and process them, great. But if I want to work on acceptin...

I think I grew up with this sense that everything had its place. I had my place. My family had its place. My friends had their place. Everything was tidy, orderly, seasonal. God was up above and planned my future and had set me on this earth with a mission to be a priest who would inspire and save souls. I've spent a lot of time. A lot. Wondering why I feel less purpose now. But how would I not when I no longer believe in those things I mentioned. When you're living believing you're on the right path that's best for you and leave it, you're bound to feel some type of way. And now I feel lost sometimes. Sure, there's moments when I'm living my personal values where I feel excited and happy. I picked up acting again and it feels meaningful and fun, but it doesn't feel like THE path. It feels like A path I chose. And the fact that it's a path I chose may mean it's not the best possible path for me. I may be making a mistake. Maybe I should be doing...

I grew up believing my whole existence was geared toward saving souls, bringing Jesus to others. I believed there was a divine plan so even if I couldn't see the future, I could believe that the future was bright and full of rainbows because it was in God's hands. Even if I had to "carry my cross", it was only temporary. Now I don't believe there is a divine plan for my life. I'm not sure if the future is bright and happy. I'm not sure if I will save any souls or if I am Christ-like. I wonder if I'm actually a bad person. So my choices feel less meaningful and special. Because I feel less meaningful and special. I'm not god's gift to humanity anymore.  There's a deep fear that will always exist too somewhere in my heart, no matter how ridiculous those beliefs seem now: What if, in spurning a belief in the divine plan, I somehow rejected a happy ending (no pun intended) for my life? What if God's plan for me did exist, and by rejecting t...

Does everyone have money problems right now? This economy is going to shit. Fuck you Biden! Just kidding. Wtf do I know about how politics plays into the problems of today? I just see the problems. How many of my friends and I are struggling to make ends meet. How rent is higher, our salaries lower, our car parts getting more expensive and lawyers living large for bringing the wrong folks to "justice".  Is everyone's truth true? Relativism is not a good philosophy in my opinion because then nobody can make any rules or say anything at all without it being untrue to someone else and therefore meaningless and discredited. For example we might believe in freedom. But the motherfuckers killing freedom-lovers in Iran disagree. But is the dichotomy true v. false? No. I think it's cruel v. kind. Or something more basic that we humans feel in our bones rather than our minds. Something everyone can grasp.  Human cruelty has and always will be around. For justifiable (response ...

CARPEEEEEEEE DIEMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM whispers Robin Williams. I get emotional watching that scene in Dead Poet's Society. But it's a fleeting emotion. Like the spiritual highs I used to get from Catholic retreats. That kind of high doesn't last.  I've resolved to live today as "present" as possible. This means getting in touch with my physical sensations as often as possible and becoming aware of my thoughts in a non judgmental way. I've already noticed a difference. I'm noticing the bad things, but I'm also noticing the cute things. Like the curve of a dog's tail I saw as he and his owner walked under an underpass. I notice my anxiety as physical tension, and focusing my attention there makes me aware of what's really happening. Anxiety isn't really a big deal. It's just a physical response to stimuli. And I notice many things make me anxious. Like interacting with people. No wonder lots of time around people exhausts me. Going int...

The Equalizer's protagonist, Robert McCall aka Denzel Washington (let's be honest it's just Denzel, no one remembers his name's Robert when the movie's going), is ridiculous. On the one hand he tells kids not to cuss, keeps them in school and tries to help them stop selling drugs. On the other hand, he brutally beats people to death to the beat of a stopwatch.  I'm also reading The Time of Contempt (one of the Witcher books). The Witcher is faced with lots of equalizing opportunities too. I love the violence. I love reading about the Witcher killing Ciri's pursuers or disembowling a Stryga. It's fun. Maybe video games and reading violent books is a nice little way I can unleash my own inner anger.  I probably need to unleash my anger in real life a little more too. I repress that shit sometimes and call it "picking my battles". But let's pick some more battles. People piss me off sometimes and I need to express that. All this bottling shit...

wHeN yOu kNoW yOu KnOw.  I had that feeling once. I had someone I thought I was insanely connected to. Our chemistry was unparalleled. And then a sad incident I can't divulge ended it. I still think about that person and it really was special. I'm not sure if I was in love, which probably means I wasn't. We only dated for a few months. But I did love her. And I genuinely enjoyed everything: the friendship, humor, sex, everything.  But it's over now.  I want to be in a relationship again, but at the same time I don't really want to settle down. I suppose that means I'm looking for an open relationship, but then I get jealous so I guess I don't really want that either. I'm not good at sharing. So I guess in order to have that connection and fun, I'll need to sacrifice fun for monogamy.  And perhaps that's not so bad. We could have a family. Raise a few kids. Drive the ole Sedan. I don't know. It feels a little bland. But maybe life just feels a...

I accept my body. I accept that I don't accept my body. I accept that I accept that I sometimes both accept and don't accept my body. If accepting my body is a feeling, then I'm not too good at this because I don't feel too good about my body. I'm writing everyday now. Even when I don't feel like it. Because I read that life is not about doing what feels good but about doing what you find meaningful. And I find unlimited self-expression meaningful. Because unlimited self-expression feels good. Shit. I'm back at a feeling based decision. But what else is meaning but something that feels right? I suppose it could be doing something that someone else calls meaningful. Jesus called love meaningful. And his death on a cross is the absolute "I don't feel like doing this but it's meaningful" power move. Until you look at it too closely and realize he didn't need to die on a cross. I mean, he's the one making literally all the rules. He doe...

 "For now we see through a glass darkly. But then shall we see face to face. Now I know in part. But then shall I know just as I also am known." -St. Paul (1 Corinthians 13:12) *********************************************************************************** Me: I started to realize I had thrown the baby out with the bathwater when I left religion. Now I see it as— Em: The baby out with the bathwater? Me: Yeah ( she must just now get how I'm using the metaphor ), I realize now that some of it was good. Like the music and some of the results of theology. Em: I really want to use that expression and take it home with me.  Me: *Pause* It's a common expression.  *Seeing she now realizes, to her embarrassment, that she already knew the expression* Ppppttttt HAHAHAHALAUGHLAUGHLAUGHLAUGHLAUGHLAUGHLAUGHLAUGH...  *********************************************************************************** I'm amazed that every human being is a walking cosmos of experience, emotion...

I thought I would pick up my weekly self-expression routine again. My hope will be to share my deepest self in a way that others can say, "Oh I feel/have felt that way too." I will continue my side projects where I try to entertain and share my inmost self more indirectly, but I believe this practice where I am more direct, on paper, for an audience, will also help me in my fantasy/novel/storytelling.  This week I've been congested and slept too much, to the point where I wake up with back pain. Friends have been there for me, but I've felt like I've reached out more than I've been reached out to. But I know I tend to exaggerate and see things a little one-sided.  I had a hard conversation with some podcast buddies about how I feel we've dwelt too much on the past in our discussions. I thought it might come off as an accusation, but, as with most things like this, they didn't take it that way and, in fact, agreed with me. Why is it we tend to think sta...

Candide Quotes Candide to his mentor, the optimistic Pangloss: “When you were hanged, dissected, whipped, and tugging at the oar, did you continue to think that everything in this world happens for the best?”  Pangloss: “I have always abided by my first opinion, for after all, I am a philosopher, and it would not become me to retract my sentiments.”

I look at everyone around me and see something I'm missing. Some have a drive for music, others for comedy or literature, and still others for making more money or... something. And when I look within myself, I don't find a drive. I don't find any future goal I want. I'm not much of a materialist. I like sexy clothes and good music, but I don't feel this Wahlberg-drive to produce content. I desire fame, but I know that this is not a source of happiness, so I try to keep it in check.  And here I think I stumble upon something deeper. I desire to desire something out of life because that's the message I see around me: self-worth can found in achievements and noble pursuits and attention.  I'm reading cathartic quotes from Michel de Montaigne related to this modern idea of happiness, and I hope I can devote more time to reading his stuff. Do you babes want some samples? Fuck yeah you do :) “There is nothing more notable in Socrates than that he found time, when...

I'm in a tender development stage where I'm struggling to keep my eyes focused on the road ahead. I reflected this past weekend and realized that it's only been four years since I left Catholicism. In that time I've accepted two corporate jobs, moved three times, made some of the most authentic friendships of my life, traveled abroad, started podcasts, performed a stand-up comedy set, and explored my sexuality.  The truth is though, this isn't good enough. I wish I had spent the first 26 years of my life doing these things. I wish I had started younger and gotten into the film industry as an actor/performer/singer/public speaker/writer. Now I'm 30 and it feels so late in the game. The game. What game? See that's the problem. The world creates this game in our minds, as if there's some place we need to be in our career at some age.  But still. I can't help feeling a deep, deep regret for time poorly spent—time I will never get back. And the crazy thin...

I hear people say, "I want to be unapologetically myself", and I agree with the sentiment. But when my authentic reaction to someone with a deformed face is disgust, I'd prefer to curb that reaction. Or if I can't catch myself before I make a face, I hope I apologize. So I'm in a bit of a conundrum. On the one hand, I want to be unapologetically myself, but on the other, I'm having these knee-jerk reactions of disgust that I do not want to have.  So i n order to be a guilt-free version of "unapologetically myself", I need to change my behavior when I see a deformed face, which means I need to change the way I perceive deformed faces; and in order to change my perception, I need to consider why I react with disgust in the first place.  Why do I react with disgust? When I see a deformed face, it's scary. I start thinking "I was one chromosome tweak away from this?", "why does this guy look so weird?", "that looks painful...

Telling people, "Be yourself" seems like bad advice, though well-intentioned. "Yourself" implies stagnation, that there's this part of us that just is . I remember growing up my mom would tell me to mingle more in crowds and get to know people. We had a running argument where I would tell her, "you're more extroverted, so it's just easier for you". I pigeon-holed myself into a "shy" category, and while it's true that I felt more introverted, I was capable of expanding my life experience. "Be yourself" is also not great advice because it begs the question, "what is my ' self '"? This is a rabbit-hole I've explored far too often, and it leads nowhere. My sneaking suspicion is that the Buddhists were right when they said that the "self" doesn't exist. It's much the same reason why I think God might not exist. When you go searching for a "self" or "God" or "per...

There isn't really anything I know.  ..and that's insane to me. I can talk about rocket ships and the moon, math and science, good and evil. But I don't know anything . I believe a lot of things that I learned in school that may turn out to be fake news later (like how we used to believe the earth was flat until one day they were like, "nah fam it's a sphere"). We use tests to confirm gravity is real so that you can be confident that when you take shit, it will fall into the toilet; but some level of faith in the scientific process, what others tell me, and my personal experience that no one else can share, governs my life.  So since I can't know anything with any certainty, I'm starting to think that choices are all that matters. There are times when I haven't always felt love for people close to me, but I've chosen to stay by their side. Other times I haven't felt like going into work, but I went in anyway. Sometimes customers say rude co...

As an atheist/agnostic, I'm sometimes too hardcore about there "likely not being a god".  My coworker, in earnest, said: "Someone/something must've created all this. Name me one design that doesn't have a designer." Instead of just shrugging it off, I had to reply: "True. I'm not arguing that things just happened to appear into existence with no cause, but what question have we answered if we posit a creator? Aren't we back to the same question we already have if we have to ask, 'well what created the creator?'" There was an uncomfortable silence, and another coworker chimed in that everyone should feel free to believe what the believe. And again, I had to jump in with, "true, but I think we are talking about science, not faith right now". More uncomfortable silence.  It got me thinking, why did I try to sway him to my side? Why couldn't I just hold my tongue, acknowledge that I think differently, and wait until t...

My brother said the most beautiful thing to me last night, "I notice that trying to squash uncertainty usually makes it worse". My past relationships have gone to shit because of my obsessive desire for certainty that the person I'm with is the right person. There is no right person, only a compatible/good one.  I've been getting more in touch with my body through meditation lately. Sitting cross-legged feeling one with nature's itchy grass gives me nice moments of peace. I feel grounded in reality and in my body. It's  gradual change. I don't see my own improvement half the time, but the fact that I'm coming back to the present moment more frequently is nice. I'm connecting with more uncomfortable emotions, dissecting them, and finding peace within them.  My great aunt died a little while ago. I didn't feel a whole lot. I wasn't too close to her, but I remembered her love for me. The gifts (usually amazing homemade Mexican food) she gave ...