Spencer Moseley

The most terrifying question: "Is everything okay?" What would I even say to that? That the wave of uncertainty stemming from my lack of purpose is devouring my soul day by day? Clouding my brain? Draining my motivation? Locking me into a routine of hope and disappointment? I've tried Jesus (the prescription for everything). I talk to him. But I know I'm just having an inner monologue. The "Jesus" I talk to just so happens to be a reflection of myself. When he tells me to "enjoy that Taco Bell," I've brought my shallow image of him to life: a reminder that "the Father and I are one." Someone might say: "But Jesus is completely real, and you have to connect with Bible Jesus rather than the version you've created in your head. Ah, the Bible. Perhaps that's true. But... If I believed he was literally real, as presented in the Bible, would he start speaking to me?  From past experience, he didn't. All quiet on the western...

I think sometimes I look at someone smiling through pain and think "that person is so fake. There's no way they feel like smiling". But maybe how we approach pain is a choice, not a necessity. I can feel depressed or sad or tired or angry and respond with a smile. And that smile, that laugh, can make me feel better and good about my life.  And I think those are moments I look back at with fondness. I can remember certain times someone upset me and I just let it go or smiled back. And that felt wholesome and good. I felt more in control of my mood and of my life in those moments. I am certainly human and have to remember I won't always have it in me to smile. Sometimes my emotions will take the drivers seat. And I certainly don't want to smile as a way of hiding my pain from others.  But I think what I have to ask myself is: In this challenging moment, what do I want? If I want to feel my feelings for a bit and process them, great. But if I want to work on acceptin...

I think I grew up with this sense that everything had its place. I had my place. My family had its place. My friends had their place. Everything was tidy, orderly, seasonal. God was up above and planned my future and had set me on this earth with a mission to be a priest who would inspire and save souls. I've spent a lot of time. A lot. Wondering why I feel less purpose now. But how would I not when I no longer believe in those things I mentioned. When you're living believing you're on the right path that's best for you and leave it, you're bound to feel some type of way. And now I feel lost sometimes. Sure, there's moments when I'm living my personal values where I feel excited and happy. I picked up acting again and it feels meaningful and fun, but it doesn't feel like THE path. It feels like A path I chose. And the fact that it's a path I chose may mean it's not the best possible path for me. I may be making a mistake. Maybe I should be doing...

I hear someone enter my apartment. But I'm rich so I know he'll have a lot of doors to open before he gets to my bedroom. Stupid fucks think they can come after me IN MY HOUSE.  I grab a flashlight and pretend my hand is a gun. This works in the movies, right? Intruders see that and get scared? I don't know. I hear him in my main bathroom and kick the door open and tell him to stick his hands up. He turns around and he's nearly 7 feet tall and built like Dave Bautista. He looks at me and laughs. He grabs my index finger and breaks it at the middle joint and I scream. I don't know how I'm managing with the pain and I start ugly breathing and feel my throat sucking in too much air which makes me cough. Bautista dude laughs. I swing wildly with my flashlight and he lets me hit him. I don't even see him wince when I break some of his bottom teeth. He grins savagely, notices the blood like a surprised accountant and walks toward me slowly, like he's trying to...

I'm reading an amazing book called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents , and I would recommend this book to anyone. It's been an extremely healing read for me.  The biggest thing I've noticed in myself, from reading this book, is that I play a role in doing whatever it takes to be liked. That desire for people to think I'm kind or empathetic or nice has kept me from being honest at times. And I don't think empathy or kindness are bad, but when being nice becomes more important than telling someone they hurt my feelings, or when being nice means ignoring how I've been mistreated so I don't rock the boat too much, it becomes a supression of my own needs at my own expense.  And trying so hard to be liked probably has the opposite effect I'm going for. When people see my attempts at getting attention through jokes or a blog or a fake compliment, I'm sure it comes off as insincere as it is. And when people sense insincerity, they usually don...

Sometimes I wonder if this self-acceptance ends in more than tears. If there really is a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm in my own valley of sorrows and tipsy enough to recognize it. Three shots, three drinks. The trinity of alcohol.  I have the most amazing friends. I have a plan for my finances now too. I see all of my friends suffering so much too. And it's so weird. I see how lovely we all are and how much suffering life offers. How much joy too of course, but let's not dodge reality. I want to sit here with this discomfort and see if that sitting offers any relief. I know you're supposed to come from an angle of not wanting relief, of just experiencing life as it is. At least according to Buddhist philosophy. So I'm going to trust that now.  A live meditation.  I still smell the chicken cooked with too much garlic and salt emanating from my kitchen. I hope less roaches infest the area. I see the glare of my screen. I'm squinting both from a sadness that...

I'm nearly at the end of my finances since I lost my last job. Sure, I have side hustles to support my needs, but in a worst case scenario I end up back with my parents until I find a job that can financially support me again (I love my parents of course but I'd rather have my own place). Because the way things stand right now with the money I'm making from substitute teaching and Door Dashing, I'd have to find an apartment that costs less than $500/mo including utilities. And those don't exist in Houston unless I want my car jacked daily. I've applied to hundreds of jobs. It's tiring talking to recruiters after a while, explaining why you'd be valuable to various companies. It's tiring researching companies before an interview: Who's the hiring manager (and how much can I find out about him/her by stalking them on LinkedIn)? What is this company's culture? What do they want to hear from me, and how can I deliver it without sounding inauthent...

 "What's coming up for you right now?" "I feel like a loser." Nathan cried and put his hands in his lap.  "That sounds really frustrating." Dr. Michael let him cry. He had practiced many times when to intervene and when to let the patient have some time. He kind of wished Nathan would use the tissues to wipe the tears, but Nathan seemed to enjoy letting them run down his face. "What do you think makes you feel that way?" "I suppose the high bar I set for myself?" Why does everyone say this like a question, like I'm supposed to be able to dig an answer out of their minds . Dr. Michael adjusted his glasses but didn't move in his seat, though his lower back ached. "Do you set a high bar like this in other areas of your life?" "Yeah," said Nathan. He brushed invisible lint off his work pants as a defense mechanism to avoid eye contact and inhaled sharply. "I do it quite a bit. I can't seem to just re...

I'm currently working on a short story that's taken me two months so far, and there's still more work to do. That's why I haven't posted here in a while. I can't say I've worked on it everyday, but I can say it's the hardest I've worked on any story in my life.  This blog will be unedited word vomit about my life today.  Uncertainty.  This one word shakes me to my core. It haunts me. As a person with high anxiety and a tendency to obsess, this reality of our human existence affects me in acute ways. And I'm happy to know that other people feel this way too.  I'm learning not to be fooled by those who say "I know what I want". They feel like they know what they want, and they make a decision to follow that feeling even when contradictory feelings arise from time to time. These folks are like "houses built on rocks" (some Jesus parable). And that's a good thing. With nothing to ground us, we become like leaves floating f...

I saw her at brunch. I saw her and him and her and couldn't decide which I preferred. If I asked out one, I'd not ask out the rest, and I struggle with turning down options. So I ended up deciding on none and leaving with regret.  But I do this to myself, so this isn't exactly a cry for sympathy. It's how I've been living for a while, chasing but not deciding, running, but not crossing the finish line. Pining for the end result isn't the same as making that desire known.  And proposing, that act of courage, is where life happens. That moment when instead of looking at the lake, I bait and cast and wait.  So what holds me back? I ask myself while eating ice cream in a living room, my dog on my chest. What holds me back is always the same: fear. That fear that dims my light, that doubt that inspires inaction.  And I know there is no therapy that can bring me out of my shell. My therapist can't act for me. He can listen to me complain, sure. He can offer helpfu...

I thought I would pick up my weekly self-expression routine again. My hope will be to share my deepest self in a way that others can say, "Oh I feel/have felt that way too." I will continue my side projects where I try to entertain and share my inmost self more indirectly, but I believe this practice where I am more direct, on paper, for an audience, will also help me in my fantasy/novel/storytelling.  This week I've been congested and slept too much, to the point where I wake up with back pain. Friends have been there for me, but I've felt like I've reached out more than I've been reached out to. But I know I tend to exaggerate and see things a little one-sided.  I had a hard conversation with some podcast buddies about how I feel we've dwelt too much on the past in our discussions. I thought it might come off as an accusation, but, as with most things like this, they didn't take it that way and, in fact, agreed with me. Why is it we tend to think sta...

Hi. One of my friends is going back to the ole Catholic faith, and that got me thinking. Do I miss that too?  I've been playing more Catholic hymns on guitar lately: I am the Bread of Life, Silent Night, You Satisfy the Hungry Heart, etc. DOES THAT MEAN I'M SECRETLY CATHOLIC IN MY SOUL (side note: tf is a soul?)? I find it hard to be alone sometimes, and that's when the thought of Jesus is most appealing. I'll be eating chicken in my quiet home with my quiet dog on my quiet sofa—wondering if somewhere out there, I'm missing something. Is there some God-shaped hole in my heart just waiting to be filled? Come fill me, Jesus. 😈 But the truth is, I just miss elements of Catholicism, not the whole thing. And I can have those elements and pick and choose things from it that fit me (love your neighbor, finding quiet time, developing an interior life); and the loneliness is going to be an ongoing project of leaning into it so I can grow and become more comfortable with the...

I built a bookshelf yesterday. As I built it, I chose carefully which books would go on which shelf. Novels on one, studies on another, philosophy here, history there. My apartment space is nice and organized now, and everything is in its place.  That's what it feels like to create order out of chaos. To choose a path forward without knowing where things will end up feels as adventurous as it feels scary and difficult.  In my love life I've also built a bookshelf. I know my gay side is less explored, so I'm choosing to move in that direction with dating (#yasyasyasqueen).  In my spiritual world, I am exploring the Unitarians since the Church I've visited explores spirituality with openness and kindness.  In my career, well... I'm probably exploring too much and need to choose one out of the creative endeavors I love to dedicate all of my energy to: comedy, singing, theater, or writing. I'm thinking singing because I truly love it and could see myself improving. ...

If you don't feel scared, there's no opportunity to be brave.  Bravery is the most valuable virtue. It's the fine line between fading into nothingness and living among the stars. Aristotle was wrong. Virtue is not a "means between extremes". Virtue is an action performed despite feelings. It's the only thing we can point to that's "black and white". It's what you will or will not do for your own sake.  Even if your bravery doesn't give the desired result, you learned. You grew.  Seeking results = unhappiness. Results come and go like the wind. Some days you will feel on top of the world. Some days you'll only get one text from someone you don't even like while plopped on a couch. If we rely only on results, we will rely on unsure ground.  If we tap into our fears, confront them, and act despite them in an act of bravery, that act in itself is happiness. It might not always get you the result you want, but the progress it generates...

Anyone following my blog knows I have an age-old life struggle that I talk about frequently: the religious world v. the secular world, certainty v. uncertainty, knowing v. not knowing. I'd like to explore that in a more meta way today. I was cloud-watching the other day.  As I watched a cloud that looked like an owl, I felt happy. It felt nice to label it and watch it float across the sky. Then it morphed. The owl became a shapeless cloud as winds manipulated its form. For a moment I was upset. I was happy looking at that owl, calling it an owl, feeling certain it was an owl . I found happiness again by saying to myself, "oh well, that happens sometimes", and I went back to cloud-watching to see what would happen next.  Nature teaches me everything I need to learn, and this story highlights my struggle with feelings of certainty and uncertainty. The feeling of certainty  is the space of control. It feels good to know. It feels powerful. I SAY THIS IS AN OWL AND I'M RI...

I just turned 30. All the existential dread is gone right now. I have some regrets, I have some victories, there are some unknowns. As the Unitarians said last week, "We recognize that the uncertainty in this world is as frustrating as it is sublime".  We think ourselves so high above the animals, but it took us millennia to invent AC. We think we're so smart, but most of us forget what's most important most of the time. Once we give up on this wild goose chase towards this illusory perfection, we can rest. This rest isn't always comfortable, but acceptance brings peace even in hardship.  I want to give a special thank you to my friends and family. I know I'm not always easy to be a friend to. I am often self-loathing, indecisive, and sometimes judgmental. Thank you for loving me anyway. I hope I offer the same love I would like to receive, but I'm sure I fall short of this benchmark too sometimes. I'm working on it, loves.  I had a niiightmare. Mmmmm....

"Just breathe through this," said Adrienne in her sweet, sweet YouTube-Yoga voice as I struggled to maintain the downward dog pose, focus on my ragged breath, and ignore my dog's breath smacking my entire face with a stenchy heat.  Some people just make life look easy. My understanding is that this is merely an appearance, but it's quite convincing. They just make decisions with their lives, breathe through Yoga poses, and consistently become better people. Meanwhile I feel like I struggle just to get up in the morning and get to work.  I like to imagine what it would be like if all of us expressed ourselves with complete vulnerability at all times. I imagine it would be scary to hear all the pent up rage people feel towards me that they've held back over time. I imagine it would be as scary as it would be refreshing. Ah, that's why he acted that way around me , I might think.  If I asked someone in the hall, "How are you," and they replied, "Te...

Disclaimer : The title has nothing to do with my post (clickbait city). I want to fit in, but I also want to be myself. I find this game of tug o war the hardest. I want to be liked so bad that it feels like a disease I can't heal from.  But fighting who I am seems to make me feel worse. This is who I am. I still remember as a kid pretending I was Jesus. I'd literally attempt to work miracles (the healing ones were largely unsuccessful btw). I thought, maybe if I was powerful/talented/useful, I would be loved.  I think this human tendency to want to be different but also want to be included is normal. All of us are so different and unique. But then we have these certain individuals we name celebrities, and we treat them like they're the pinnacle of some societal pyramid constructed by someone we've all forgotten. And then THEY become the norm, the thing to be, the "end goal" of what it means to be a cool person. Myths surround these hero characters with large ...

My life philosophy is vomit. Please, let me explain. Rather than try to repress my emotions or emotionally dump on other people, I vomit them out on paper or in my head. I let my thoughts run wild, and that keeps them from having too much power over me.  I find that meditation seems to stifle things for me (I'm probably not meditating right, or whatever), so I had to find some new way of life to keep me sane. So now instead of trying to focus on my breathing or my sensations, I just let it all happen without trying to be aware of it happening. The whole awareness thing just isn't working for me right now.  Another new factor in my lifestyle is my diet. I just started using the app, Lifesum, and have found it super helpful (highly recommend). It helps me decide my dietary goals and offers plans, recipes and shopping lists to help me commit to this. I'm a good cook, but I never know what recipes are both fun, healthy, and pushing me towards my goals, so this shit is great. Al...

This weekend will be a good one. I'm touring new apartments in the Midtown/Heights/Montrose Houston area all day tomorrow, shopping 'til I drop on Saturday, and brunching hard on Sunday. I'm happy. For the first time in a long time I woke up at 5am this morning with a smile. I smiled at my dog, and he snorted back at me.  I've taken some actions that I think have been life-changing. I get on my phone only for communication with others. I've cancelled my gym membership and workout by myself outside with a focus on cardio. I can't say I'm eating healthier, but I'm connecting with my body and trying to only eat when I feel like it. I'm trying to perceive my body/weight with compassion and love rather than disgust. I'm taking time each day for quiet and meditation, and I'm being more social. I'm also more focused on my dreams and that keeps me less concerned about inconsequential bullshit.  I realize that feeling this good right now will end....