Spencer Moseley

"Just breathe through this," said Adrienne in her sweet, sweet YouTube-Yoga voice as I struggled to maintain the downward dog pose, focus on my ragged breath, and ignore my dog's breath smacking my entire face with a stenchy heat.  Some people just make life look easy. My understanding is that this is merely an appearance, but it's quite convincing. They just make decisions with their lives, breathe through Yoga poses, and consistently become better people. Meanwhile I feel like I struggle just to get up in the morning and get to work.  I like to imagine what it would be like if all of us expressed ourselves with complete vulnerability at all times. I imagine it would be scary to hear all the pent up rage people feel towards me that they've held back over time. I imagine it would be as scary as it would be refreshing. Ah, that's why he acted that way around me , I might think.  If I asked someone in the hall, "How are you," and they replied, "Te...

Disclaimer : The title has nothing to do with my post (clickbait city). I want to fit in, but I also want to be myself. I find this game of tug o war the hardest. I want to be liked so bad that it feels like a disease I can't heal from.  But fighting who I am seems to make me feel worse. This is who I am. I still remember as a kid pretending I was Jesus. I'd literally attempt to work miracles (the healing ones were largely unsuccessful btw). I thought, maybe if I was powerful/talented/useful, I would be loved.  I think this human tendency to want to be different but also want to be included is normal. All of us are so different and unique. But then we have these certain individuals we name celebrities, and we treat them like they're the pinnacle of some societal pyramid constructed by someone we've all forgotten. And then THEY become the norm, the thing to be, the "end goal" of what it means to be a cool person. Myths surround these hero characters with large ...

Jealousy emerges, I see others' success.  I wonder why I have all this regret Where did the time go How much time is left Will I ever accomplish whatever comes next? In that moment I come to that bridge to mourn the time past, or see my success Because looking more closely, there's more that I've done Only I know all the battles I've won.  The times I listened to someone complain The millions of times, I pushed through the pain The days I awoke to work and make bread The times I was honest, the times that I led. The lonely nights, just me and my dog The tears, the sorrow, the friends I have lost. Life has been messy, it's worn me down hard The truth is I'm not sure, how I'm still here at all. I may not know why, where, when or how But I do know tomorrow I'll accomplish my dreams Some call that faith, some call it luck For me it's just love and wading through muck.

My life philosophy is vomit. Please, let me explain. Rather than try to repress my emotions or emotionally dump on other people, I vomit them out on paper or in my head. I let my thoughts run wild, and that keeps them from having too much power over me.  I find that meditation seems to stifle things for me (I'm probably not meditating right, or whatever), so I had to find some new way of life to keep me sane. So now instead of trying to focus on my breathing or my sensations, I just let it all happen without trying to be aware of it happening. The whole awareness thing just isn't working for me right now.  Another new factor in my lifestyle is my diet. I just started using the app, Lifesum, and have found it super helpful (highly recommend). It helps me decide my dietary goals and offers plans, recipes and shopping lists to help me commit to this. I'm a good cook, but I never know what recipes are both fun, healthy, and pushing me towards my goals, so this shit is great. Al...

My brother said the most beautiful thing to me last night, "I notice that trying to squash uncertainty usually makes it worse". My past relationships have gone to shit because of my obsessive desire for certainty that the person I'm with is the right person. There is no right person, only a compatible/good one.  I've been getting more in touch with my body through meditation lately. Sitting cross-legged feeling one with nature's itchy grass gives me nice moments of peace. I feel grounded in reality and in my body. It's  gradual change. I don't see my own improvement half the time, but the fact that I'm coming back to the present moment more frequently is nice. I'm connecting with more uncomfortable emotions, dissecting them, and finding peace within them.  My great aunt died a little while ago. I didn't feel a whole lot. I wasn't too close to her, but I remembered her love for me. The gifts (usually amazing homemade Mexican food) she gave ...

Are you your own god? That's a question I've gotten before. There's an underlying assumption in that question that a person is incapable or downright prideful when deciding right from wrong without a god or some higher authority to validate.  Aristotle was cool. He argued that arguments from authority are the worst kind and that an argument should be evaluated based on content rather than on who said it. Celebrities would be in a world of hurt if everyone thought this way. Most of the shit they say has meaningless/virtue-signaling content with little to contribute. And I'm probably breaking my own rule by arguing against arguments from authority after basically calling Aristotle an authority! As humans we have a collective anxiety about our futures and pasts. I went through agony trying to pick a new apartment last week. This anxiety causes us to tend to rely too much on others for answers and to seek quick fixes to hard questions.  How did the world begin? God. Why God...

This weekend will be a good one. I'm touring new apartments in the Midtown/Heights/Montrose Houston area all day tomorrow, shopping 'til I drop on Saturday, and brunching hard on Sunday. I'm happy. For the first time in a long time I woke up at 5am this morning with a smile. I smiled at my dog, and he snorted back at me.  I've taken some actions that I think have been life-changing. I get on my phone only for communication with others. I've cancelled my gym membership and workout by myself outside with a focus on cardio. I can't say I'm eating healthier, but I'm connecting with my body and trying to only eat when I feel like it. I'm trying to perceive my body/weight with compassion and love rather than disgust. I'm taking time each day for quiet and meditation, and I'm being more social. I'm also more focused on my dreams and that keeps me less concerned about inconsequential bullshit.  I realize that feeling this good right now will end....