Spencer Moseley

Sometimes there’s nothing to do But sit with that emotion Twisting, turning, thoughts unfolding Leading nowhere.  My head’s a mess, your love is rest I wish I was like you.  You’re kind, you’re loving, you laugh a lot And nothing seems to bother You’re like a work of art unlocked And all the world’s your oyster.  I only want to be someone that you would find on par A peer, accepting, self-sustaining, living in his truth Instead I find I’m just too anxious, given to complaining.  I’m that toxic energy that you avoid with care I’m too dependent, far too needy and given to despair I wish I wasn’t who I am or where I find myself So if you find it in your heart to love me, run.  Won’t bring you down.  I judge, depressed, I’m sad a lot, I don’t know who I am I mourn the loss of who I was some many years ago  All hope is lost, trapped in this box And nothing’s here to save me. 

I just turned 30. All the existential dread is gone right now. I have some regrets, I have some victories, there are some unknowns. As the Unitarians said last week, "We recognize that the uncertainty in this world is as frustrating as it is sublime".  We think ourselves so high above the animals, but it took us millennia to invent AC. We think we're so smart, but most of us forget what's most important most of the time. Once we give up on this wild goose chase towards this illusory perfection, we can rest. This rest isn't always comfortable, but acceptance brings peace even in hardship.  I want to give a special thank you to my friends and family. I know I'm not always easy to be a friend to. I am often self-loathing, indecisive, and sometimes judgmental. Thank you for loving me anyway. I hope I offer the same love I would like to receive, but I'm sure I fall short of this benchmark too sometimes. I'm working on it, loves.  I had a niiightmare. Mmmmm....

"Just breathe through this," said Adrienne in her sweet, sweet YouTube-Yoga voice as I struggled to maintain the downward dog pose, focus on my ragged breath, and ignore my dog's breath smacking my entire face with a stenchy heat.  Some people just make life look easy. My understanding is that this is merely an appearance, but it's quite convincing. They just make decisions with their lives, breathe through Yoga poses, and consistently become better people. Meanwhile I feel like I struggle just to get up in the morning and get to work.  I like to imagine what it would be like if all of us expressed ourselves with complete vulnerability at all times. I imagine it would be scary to hear all the pent up rage people feel towards me that they've held back over time. I imagine it would be as scary as it would be refreshing. Ah, that's why he acted that way around me , I might think.  If I asked someone in the hall, "How are you," and they replied, "Te...

Disclaimer : The title has nothing to do with my post (clickbait city). I want to fit in, but I also want to be myself. I find this game of tug o war the hardest. I want to be liked so bad that it feels like a disease I can't heal from.  But fighting who I am seems to make me feel worse. This is who I am. I still remember as a kid pretending I was Jesus. I'd literally attempt to work miracles (the healing ones were largely unsuccessful btw). I thought, maybe if I was powerful/talented/useful, I would be loved.  I think this human tendency to want to be different but also want to be included is normal. All of us are so different and unique. But then we have these certain individuals we name celebrities, and we treat them like they're the pinnacle of some societal pyramid constructed by someone we've all forgotten. And then THEY become the norm, the thing to be, the "end goal" of what it means to be a cool person. Myths surround these hero characters with large ...

Jealousy emerges, I see others' success.  I wonder why I have all this regret Where did the time go How much time is left Will I ever accomplish whatever comes next? In that moment I come to that bridge to mourn the time past, or see my success Because looking more closely, there's more that I've done Only I know all the battles I've won.  The times I listened to someone complain The millions of times, I pushed through the pain The days I awoke to work and make bread The times I was honest, the times that I led. The lonely nights, just me and my dog The tears, the sorrow, the friends I have lost. Life has been messy, it's worn me down hard The truth is I'm not sure, how I'm still here at all. I may not know why, where, when or how But I do know tomorrow I'll accomplish my dreams Some call that faith, some call it luck For me it's just love and wading through muck.

My life philosophy is vomit. Please, let me explain. Rather than try to repress my emotions or emotionally dump on other people, I vomit them out on paper or in my head. I let my thoughts run wild, and that keeps them from having too much power over me.  I find that meditation seems to stifle things for me (I'm probably not meditating right, or whatever), so I had to find some new way of life to keep me sane. So now instead of trying to focus on my breathing or my sensations, I just let it all happen without trying to be aware of it happening. The whole awareness thing just isn't working for me right now.  Another new factor in my lifestyle is my diet. I just started using the app, Lifesum, and have found it super helpful (highly recommend). It helps me decide my dietary goals and offers plans, recipes and shopping lists to help me commit to this. I'm a good cook, but I never know what recipes are both fun, healthy, and pushing me towards my goals, so this shit is great. Al...

My brother said the most beautiful thing to me last night, "I notice that trying to squash uncertainty usually makes it worse". My past relationships have gone to shit because of my obsessive desire for certainty that the person I'm with is the right person. There is no right person, only a compatible/good one.  I've been getting more in touch with my body through meditation lately. Sitting cross-legged feeling one with nature's itchy grass gives me nice moments of peace. I feel grounded in reality and in my body. It's  gradual change. I don't see my own improvement half the time, but the fact that I'm coming back to the present moment more frequently is nice. I'm connecting with more uncomfortable emotions, dissecting them, and finding peace within them.  My great aunt died a little while ago. I didn't feel a whole lot. I wasn't too close to her, but I remembered her love for me. The gifts (usually amazing homemade Mexican food) she gave ...