Spencer Moseley

Anyone following my blog knows I have an age-old life struggle that I talk about frequently: the religious world v. the secular world, certainty v. uncertainty, knowing v. not knowing. I'd like to explore that in a more meta way today. I was cloud-watching the other day.  As I watched a cloud that looked like an owl, I felt happy. It felt nice to label it and watch it float across the sky. Then it morphed. The owl became a shapeless cloud as winds manipulated its form. For a moment I was upset. I was happy looking at that owl, calling it an owl, feeling certain it was an owl . I found happiness again by saying to myself, "oh well, that happens sometimes", and I went back to cloud-watching to see what would happen next.  Nature teaches me everything I need to learn, and this story highlights my struggle with feelings of certainty and uncertainty. The feeling of certainty  is the space of control. It feels good to know. It feels powerful. I SAY THIS IS AN OWL AND I'M RI...

Shadows fade, a new sunrise A brand new day begins  I’m calm, I shower, I kiss my dog The sunlight licks my skin.  An angry customer, a shady grin The small things can grow big. My shoulders slump, my forehead aches  I’m ready for the  end.  My mind is trapped I don’t know why I’m here or how to live  But no one knows and knowing this  Brings me no peace within.  But chasing peace and chasing answers  Brought me to this place.  If peace is what I wanted Well, life is not the place.  Life is here for those who choose To drop all expectations That weight once fallen, hits the ground I bow in adoration. 

A lonely boy pressed start His video game, staticky, turned on He saw his mother Chills VR headset taking him to another dimension Where science and literature are one He stops, he freezes He finds a Doritos taco loco, uneaten on the floor Bends down to touch it Sees a different planet It has centaurs and dragons, oh my What’s next? A shooting star? He can’t remember how he got here  He ventures into the nothing, not sure if nothing is something or privation of something  His head, not spinning, alarms him.  The British are coming Their redcoats aflame A strawberry daq is calling his name Never so frustrated, never so parched.  He’s mentally healthy, not torn apart But his lightsaber is glowing, it wants to attack  It’s not red, not green, not blue, not purple It’s some shade like Guadalupe, not in our spectrum.  His mother emerges Am I not here? Who loves you and holds you and wants to be seen? I can’t tell you I love you I fear you’re far off On your own ...

Sometimes there’s nothing to do But sit with that emotion Twisting, turning, thoughts unfolding Leading nowhere.  My head’s a mess, your love is rest I wish I was like you.  You’re kind, you’re loving, you laugh a lot And nothing seems to bother You’re like a work of art unlocked And all the world’s your oyster.  I only want to be someone that you would find on par A peer, accepting, self-sustaining, living in his truth Instead I find I’m just too anxious, given to complaining.  I’m that toxic energy that you avoid with care I’m too dependent, far too needy and given to despair I wish I wasn’t who I am or where I find myself So if you find it in your heart to love me, run.  Won’t bring you down.  I judge, depressed, I’m sad a lot, I don’t know who I am I mourn the loss of who I was some many years ago  All hope is lost, trapped in this box And nothing’s here to save me. 

I just turned 30. All the existential dread is gone right now. I have some regrets, I have some victories, there are some unknowns. As the Unitarians said last week, "We recognize that the uncertainty in this world is as frustrating as it is sublime".  We think ourselves so high above the animals, but it took us millennia to invent AC. We think we're so smart, but most of us forget what's most important most of the time. Once we give up on this wild goose chase towards this illusory perfection, we can rest. This rest isn't always comfortable, but acceptance brings peace even in hardship.  I want to give a special thank you to my friends and family. I know I'm not always easy to be a friend to. I am often self-loathing, indecisive, and sometimes judgmental. Thank you for loving me anyway. I hope I offer the same love I would like to receive, but I'm sure I fall short of this benchmark too sometimes. I'm working on it, loves.  I had a niiightmare. Mmmmm....

"Just breathe through this," said Adrienne in her sweet, sweet YouTube-Yoga voice as I struggled to maintain the downward dog pose, focus on my ragged breath, and ignore my dog's breath smacking my entire face with a stenchy heat.  Some people just make life look easy. My understanding is that this is merely an appearance, but it's quite convincing. They just make decisions with their lives, breathe through Yoga poses, and consistently become better people. Meanwhile I feel like I struggle just to get up in the morning and get to work.  I like to imagine what it would be like if all of us expressed ourselves with complete vulnerability at all times. I imagine it would be scary to hear all the pent up rage people feel towards me that they've held back over time. I imagine it would be as scary as it would be refreshing. Ah, that's why he acted that way around me , I might think.  If I asked someone in the hall, "How are you," and they replied, "Te...

Disclaimer : The title has nothing to do with my post (clickbait city). I want to fit in, but I also want to be myself. I find this game of tug o war the hardest. I want to be liked so bad that it feels like a disease I can't heal from.  But fighting who I am seems to make me feel worse. This is who I am. I still remember as a kid pretending I was Jesus. I'd literally attempt to work miracles (the healing ones were largely unsuccessful btw). I thought, maybe if I was powerful/talented/useful, I would be loved.  I think this human tendency to want to be different but also want to be included is normal. All of us are so different and unique. But then we have these certain individuals we name celebrities, and we treat them like they're the pinnacle of some societal pyramid constructed by someone we've all forgotten. And then THEY become the norm, the thing to be, the "end goal" of what it means to be a cool person. Myths surround these hero characters with large ...