Spencer Moseley

Sometimes I wonder if this self-acceptance ends in more than tears. If there really is a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm in my own valley of sorrows and tipsy enough to recognize it. Three shots, three drinks. The trinity of alcohol.  I have the most amazing friends. I have a plan for my finances now too. I see all of my friends suffering so much too. And it's so weird. I see how lovely we all are and how much suffering life offers. How much joy too of course, but let's not dodge reality. I want to sit here with this discomfort and see if that sitting offers any relief. I know you're supposed to come from an angle of not wanting relief, of just experiencing life as it is. At least according to Buddhist philosophy. So I'm going to trust that now.  A live meditation.  I still smell the chicken cooked with too much garlic and salt emanating from my kitchen. I hope less roaches infest the area. I see the glare of my screen. I'm squinting both from a sadness that...

"So what do you like to do?" This 7th grader had to go to the nurse for some reason. And rather than inquire about that, I asked about his personal life.  "I like to draw." His tone said he didn't want to keep talking but I kept at it.  "Nice. Do you want to do that for a living?"  "No," he said. No explanation.  "Why not?"  "I dunno. I think I'd rather just do it as a hobby."  That was triggering for me. So I assured him he could probably find a way to do it for a living. And I think that triggered him so he said, "I think if I drew for a living I wouldn't like it as much."  "That's a good point," I said, noting his tone was truly done with this convo. If I had really been concerned about him and his feelings, this would've been a perfect place to stop talking. But now I needed to understand his attitude and explore why this was making me uncomfortable. "Well what do you want to d...

Boiling anger woke me up at about 2:30 A.M. this morning. It was a dream about a real incident that got me heated. Yesterday I was co-subbing with a teacher who's been there a while, and one of her students went to the bathroom. Classes are 85 mins long. The principal stuck her head in the door shortly after, guiding that student back into the classroom and said "I don't know why this student was going to the bathroom. Students are only supposed to use the bathroom 10-15 mins before the end of class." She said this in front of all the students and the teacher didn't hear her. The principal repeated herself with the same nasty tone, louder, and the teacher said "Okay." When she left, the students burst out laughing, and the teacher looked like she was on the verge of tears: "See what I have to put up with?" I wish I'd been quicker on my feet with the response "Yeah class she's right. If you need to pee, you'd better pee your pan...

The Equalizer's protagonist, Robert McCall aka Denzel Washington (let's be honest it's just Denzel, no one remembers his name's Robert when the movie's going), is ridiculous. On the one hand he tells kids not to cuss, keeps them in school and tries to help them stop selling drugs. On the other hand, he brutally beats people to death to the beat of a stopwatch.  I'm also reading The Time of Contempt (one of the Witcher books). The Witcher is faced with lots of equalizing opportunities too. I love the violence. I love reading about the Witcher killing Ciri's pursuers or disembowling a Stryga. It's fun. Maybe video games and reading violent books is a nice little way I can unleash my own inner anger.  I probably need to unleash my anger in real life a little more too. I repress that shit sometimes and call it "picking my battles". But let's pick some more battles. People piss me off sometimes and I need to express that. All this bottling shit...

I'm so tired. Just finished reading A Dance with Dragons. And the books are pretty good. They're hard to read. There are so many characters and plot lines tangled together that many times I wasn't sure what was happening or what was significant. Spoilers ahead... Example: When Jon Snow was killed, I had to look up the names of his killers to remind myself who they were and what they had said to lead up to that moment. I guess it just goes to show how good GRRM's memory is. And how good he is at subtly planting seeds of future treasons. My books will have to be way less complex. My brain can't handle that much overload. My brain feels too foggy. In a bit of a depressed way. Today anyway. Well. I just consumed two gorditas and an horchata from this amazing Mexican spot down the road. And as my doctor says, diet is directly related to depression.  But hey I'm writing. I'll give myself credit where it's due. And I'm substitute teaching today and I've...

wHeN yOu kNoW yOu KnOw.  I had that feeling once. I had someone I thought I was insanely connected to. Our chemistry was unparalleled. And then a sad incident I can't divulge ended it. I still think about that person and it really was special. I'm not sure if I was in love, which probably means I wasn't. We only dated for a few months. But I did love her. And I genuinely enjoyed everything: the friendship, humor, sex, everything.  But it's over now.  I want to be in a relationship again, but at the same time I don't really want to settle down. I suppose that means I'm looking for an open relationship, but then I get jealous so I guess I don't really want that either. I'm not good at sharing. So I guess in order to have that connection and fun, I'll need to sacrifice fun for monogamy.  And perhaps that's not so bad. We could have a family. Raise a few kids. Drive the ole Sedan. I don't know. It feels a little bland. But maybe life just feels a...

I accept my body. I accept that I don't accept my body. I accept that I accept that I sometimes both accept and don't accept my body. If accepting my body is a feeling, then I'm not too good at this because I don't feel too good about my body. I'm writing everyday now. Even when I don't feel like it. Because I read that life is not about doing what feels good but about doing what you find meaningful. And I find unlimited self-expression meaningful. Because unlimited self-expression feels good. Shit. I'm back at a feeling based decision. But what else is meaning but something that feels right? I suppose it could be doing something that someone else calls meaningful. Jesus called love meaningful. And his death on a cross is the absolute "I don't feel like doing this but it's meaningful" power move. Until you look at it too closely and realize he didn't need to die on a cross. I mean, he's the one making literally all the rules. He doe...