Spencer Moseley

I grew up believing my whole existence was geared toward saving souls, bringing Jesus to others. I believed there was a divine plan so even if I couldn't see the future, I could believe that the future was bright and full of rainbows because it was in God's hands. Even if I had to "carry my cross", it was only temporary. Now I don't believe there is a divine plan for my life. I'm not sure if the future is bright and happy. I'm not sure if I will save any souls or if I am Christ-like. I wonder if I'm actually a bad person. So my choices feel less meaningful and special. Because I feel less meaningful and special. I'm not god's gift to humanity anymore.  There's a deep fear that will always exist too somewhere in my heart, no matter how ridiculous those beliefs seem now: What if, in spurning a belief in the divine plan, I somehow rejected a happy ending (no pun intended) for my life? What if God's plan for me did exist, and by rejecting t...

The fan spins, errk eek errk eek errk eek... The unknown tethered by a muse's fragile twine,  MLK subdued, no reason to care No reason to dream. We've come to our nation's capital to cash a check. Time is a construct,  Constructed by peasants on the road to decay, Trying to grow a broom stick with staw In rocky ground. What is truth? The stars dimmed, Unshining on a cloudless night. Hiding their light from the wise men and shepherds, Who yearn for hope. Hut, hut, turn your back to the forest and your front to me. The only lights, the lights of Babel, High on a pillar of irregular stone,  Crumbling at the slightest touch. Immediately rebuilt. May no one ever eat fruit from you again. The rulers who rule rule badly, While those in denial raise flags. And the rulers give speeches, visit dignitaries, And Atlas threatens to cave. Proud men don't like having to look up.

Does everyone have money problems right now? This economy is going to shit. Fuck you Biden! Just kidding. Wtf do I know about how politics plays into the problems of today? I just see the problems. How many of my friends and I are struggling to make ends meet. How rent is higher, our salaries lower, our car parts getting more expensive and lawyers living large for bringing the wrong folks to "justice".  Is everyone's truth true? Relativism is not a good philosophy in my opinion because then nobody can make any rules or say anything at all without it being untrue to someone else and therefore meaningless and discredited. For example we might believe in freedom. But the motherfuckers killing freedom-lovers in Iran disagree. But is the dichotomy true v. false? No. I think it's cruel v. kind. Or something more basic that we humans feel in our bones rather than our minds. Something everyone can grasp.  Human cruelty has and always will be around. For justifiable (response ...

CARPEEEEEEEE DIEMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM whispers Robin Williams. I get emotional watching that scene in Dead Poet's Society. But it's a fleeting emotion. Like the spiritual highs I used to get from Catholic retreats. That kind of high doesn't last.  I've resolved to live today as "present" as possible. This means getting in touch with my physical sensations as often as possible and becoming aware of my thoughts in a non judgmental way. I've already noticed a difference. I'm noticing the bad things, but I'm also noticing the cute things. Like the curve of a dog's tail I saw as he and his owner walked under an underpass. I notice my anxiety as physical tension, and focusing my attention there makes me aware of what's really happening. Anxiety isn't really a big deal. It's just a physical response to stimuli. And I notice many things make me anxious. Like interacting with people. No wonder lots of time around people exhausts me. Going int...

Sometimes I wonder if this self-acceptance ends in more than tears. If there really is a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm in my own valley of sorrows and tipsy enough to recognize it. Three shots, three drinks. The trinity of alcohol.  I have the most amazing friends. I have a plan for my finances now too. I see all of my friends suffering so much too. And it's so weird. I see how lovely we all are and how much suffering life offers. How much joy too of course, but let's not dodge reality. I want to sit here with this discomfort and see if that sitting offers any relief. I know you're supposed to come from an angle of not wanting relief, of just experiencing life as it is. At least according to Buddhist philosophy. So I'm going to trust that now.  A live meditation.  I still smell the chicken cooked with too much garlic and salt emanating from my kitchen. I hope less roaches infest the area. I see the glare of my screen. I'm squinting both from a sadness that...

"So what do you like to do?" This 7th grader had to go to the nurse for some reason. And rather than inquire about that, I asked about his personal life.  "I like to draw." His tone said he didn't want to keep talking but I kept at it.  "Nice. Do you want to do that for a living?"  "No," he said. No explanation.  "Why not?"  "I dunno. I think I'd rather just do it as a hobby."  That was triggering for me. So I assured him he could probably find a way to do it for a living. And I think that triggered him so he said, "I think if I drew for a living I wouldn't like it as much."  "That's a good point," I said, noting his tone was truly done with this convo. If I had really been concerned about him and his feelings, this would've been a perfect place to stop talking. But now I needed to understand his attitude and explore why this was making me uncomfortable. "Well what do you want to d...

Boiling anger woke me up at about 2:30 A.M. this morning. It was a dream about a real incident that got me heated. Yesterday I was co-subbing with a teacher who's been there a while, and one of her students went to the bathroom. Classes are 85 mins long. The principal stuck her head in the door shortly after, guiding that student back into the classroom and said "I don't know why this student was going to the bathroom. Students are only supposed to use the bathroom 10-15 mins before the end of class." She said this in front of all the students and the teacher didn't hear her. The principal repeated herself with the same nasty tone, louder, and the teacher said "Okay." When she left, the students burst out laughing, and the teacher looked like she was on the verge of tears: "See what I have to put up with?" I wish I'd been quicker on my feet with the response "Yeah class she's right. If you need to pee, you'd better pee your pan...